#i remember reading a sample online before i ordered it because i like to make informed purchasing choices

[decadentmousse]

Every time I decide to re-read Batman Europa, flip open the book, and am instantly hit with this I black out

[crookedtines]

Lots to dig into here! So get ready, because these answers are going to be long.

The Collector's Catalyst

My dip pen craze started back in art school thanks to a helpful recommendation from a friend. They suggested dip pens as a solution to my awkwardly static linework, and I was instantly hooked on their amazing line variation. I signed up for a pen and ink class the next semester, switched almost entirely to working in ink, and started collecting dip pens wherever I could find them.

Evidence of how I use my dip pens

Over the years, I amassed enough of a collection that I owned most of the readily available nibs. When I discovered vintage nibs, the horizon broadened again! I wish I could say I slowly collected these discontinued nibs by finding them at estate sales or befriending antique shop owners, but truthfully I bought most of them at once from an online shop.

Line Style: A Mystery

You can't tell how a nib will write by looking at it. There are only 3 ways to know:

1. Write with it yourself. The best way, but it's probably not going to happen until after you buy it. Unless you have a friend that also hoards dip pens! (I don't, it's not that common apparently.)

2. Test the nib against your thumbnail (for brick and mortar shops). Watching how the tines spread, and feeling how springy the nib is will give you a good idea of how it will write.

3. Check the product description for notes on nib flexibility and line width (online shops). If you're lucky, they might even have writing samples!

Okay there is a fourth option, which is to search the internet and hope someone has made a writing sample. I remember finding this blog pretty useful.

For a long time I was on a mission to find the finest, most flexible nibs. It wasn't really until I started buying vintage nibs that I stopped looking up how each one might write. Though I find my curiosity still gets the better of me.

Identifying the Nib of Your Dreams Without Ink

You've picked up a dip pen nib in a shop, and you want to know how it might write. What can you puzzle out?

Left: A very stiff nib. Those tines are staying put—this nib will have no line variation. You can see it scratches the paper a bit, but not very much. Stiff nibs tend to be scratchier, but the end of these tines bend up a bit, which softens it. This means it should glide smoothly across the page. The bend at the end, which is not common, makes this nib great for casual writing. (J.B. Mallat No.110 Manifold)

Middle: A very flexible nib, and a fan favorite. The tines spread far out, meaning this nib will have good line variation. Though it's flexible, you can tell that it's still a stiff nib. A stiff nib can scratch up your paper, but is easier to control (read: beginner friendly), and will last longer. (Brause 361 Steno "Blue Pumpkin")

Right: Another very flexible nib! But this time, it's also a very soft nib. These are often referred to as being 'brush like'. This doesn't change the look of your lines as much as the experience of creating them. It hardly scratches the paper at all, but it is one of the most finicky nibs to work with. It's so mushy that the tines tend to start splaying almost immediately. Tines that are splayed, even a little, have trouble getting the ink to start transferring to the paper. But once you get them going, they are a dream to draw with! (Joseph Gillot 290 Lithographic)

Keeping Things Tidy and Safe

On the left are my modern nibs, the right my vintage nibs, and the bottom duplicate nibs. The baggy holds nibs that have rust damage.

I store most of my nibs in Art Bin nib cases. Up until recently they were organized by tip size and flexibility as follows: top row-inflexible, bottom row-flexible, arranged thinnest lines to thickest lines from left to right. This was the perfect system until I dumped them all out of the case and forgot the order.

Before this they were all just floating around an altoids tin. Nibs are pretty tough and they can handle it.

An Ocean of Inks

A drawer full of ink. I was not shy about collecting ink from my old job's unsellable products pile.

Your sneaky feeling about ink is completely correct! There are several kinds of ink and they can be VERY different. The good news is, dip pens are compatible with all inks! Some might flow better than others, but they won't destroy your nib as long as you clean up in a timely manner.

Note: This is not true with fountain pens. Fountain pens get fountain pen ink only! And even then you can still clog your pen. This post isn't about fountain pens, but that felt like an important distinction to make.

The two basic ink categories are India ink and water based ink. I might switch between them depending on my project, but I almost always use India ink. Then again, I almost always use dip pens for drawing.

India Ink & Acrylic: Make That Art Waterproof!

A series of India and Acrylic inks. Bombay India ink is my favorite.

Both India ink and acrylic ink are waterproof. India ink for being shellac based, and acrylic ink for being, well, acrylic. They're ideal for drawing with, especially if you plan to paint over your lines. These inks sit on top of your paper and will dry raised. Because of this, the type of paper you use isn't as big a deal (for the ink! not necessarily the nib). I use either Bristol board or very smooth hot press watercolor paper.

If you stay on top of rinsing your nib as you work, you can keep them clean with just water. Most likely though, you'll need to clean off your nib with alcohol. If you want to keep your nibs looking new and shiny forever, stay away from India and acrylic inks.

The future look of your favorite nibs, thanks to India ink

Water Based Ink: Calligraphy Central

A few examples of drawing ink (left) and fountain pen ink (right)

Water based inks are easy to clean off your nibs, and generally thinner than India ink. I'm going to split them off into two more groups: water based drawing inks, and fountain pen ink.

While fountain pen inks do work with dip pens, you have to keep in mind that they are much wetter inks (less viscous) and you are more likely to come across a situation where your ink, nib, and/or paper combo refuses to work for you. This will look like an ink that balls up on your nib and won't flow towards the paper, or an ink that flows too freely off the end of your nib and creates thick or feathery lines. Fountain pen inks come in a huge variety of colors, often featuring special effects like dual tones, shading, sheening, and glitter. This makes it very fun for calligraphy!

Water based drawing inks include sumi ink, manga ink, and what is sometimes just called 'calligraphy ink'. These are made to use with dip pens so they shouldn't cause you any trouble! While they're made to draw with, I personally prefer India ink since no water based ink is perfectly waterproof.

Water based inks will sink into your paper, making the paper you choose much more important. Fountain pen paper and manga paper are safe bets.

Note: Some of these inks advertise themselves as being waterproof. They aren't! What they mean is water won't make the bulk of your line disappear. The ink will probably still lift, if only a smidge.

The Importance of Paper

Paper WILL affect how your nib writes, though it affects water based ink the most.

Here we have 2 fountain pen inks (top: Diamine River of Fire, middle: De Atramentis Document Blue Gray) and an India ink (bottom: Bombay Van Dyke Brown) on several different kinds of paper.

You can see how poorly the water based ink reacts to the two papers on the bottom, and even starts to feather on the Bristol board (circled). But Rhodia is a fountain pen friendly paper, you cry, why doesn't it work? This is true, and it works with fountain pen ink in fountain pens, but dip pens put out a LOT more ink than fountain pens do, and not all papers can handle it.

American notebook papers aren't made to handle anything heavier than a highlighter, so they're automatically out—though you can see the India ink doesn't seem to mind. Japanese and German notebooks tend to be fountain pen friendly, so they're worth experimenting with. So are smooth, ink friendly art papers like Bristol and hot pressed watercolor paper.

I also wanted to point out an example of how ink affects your line widths. If you look carefully, you can see that the hairlines circled on the right side of the picture are thicker in the middle swatch than the top. That's because the middle ink is much wetter!

Since this post is getting a little out of hand, I will wrap up with one last picture showing off the different textures of the inks. River of Fire (top) is a sheening ink! This feature—that red sheen—shows up best on paper where the ink can pool and dry slowly on top of the page. Here we can also see how 3-dimensional and glossy India ink is. Keep in mind the India ink I used had started to dry out, so it's even blorbier than usual.

Still Interested?

Here's where you can go to start your very own nib collection!

Dip pens can be found at art stores, stationery shops, and online stores. I've also seen some vintage nibs on etsy, though the prices can be inflated. These are some online shops I've come across that I trust:

Paper & Ink Arts (I bought most of my nibs here! They even have some vintage ones. US based shop)

St. Louis Art Supply (US based shop selling vintage nibs)

Kallipos (German shop selling an extensive supply of vintage nibs. I got most of my vintage nibs here!)

JetPens (Begrudgingly adding them because they have very useful writing samples for both dip pens and fountain pens. I know because I created them for several years before they laid me off.)

Could you please (if you haven’t before) do pics of what each of your vintage pen nibs’ writing style look like, if they are different widths/create unique lines?

Oh absolutely!! I've been looking for an excuse to do this for ages. Their writing styles are as varied and unique as their shapes.

Here they are on Midori MD paper written with Rohrer & Klingner's Iron gall Salix ink. I photoshopped the pen nibs next to each writing sample so it's easy to tell what's what.

Now you can't tell from the writing sample, but two of these nibs have ball pointed tips! This is a feature you'll find on fountain pen nibs, but seems to have disappeared from modern dip pen nibs. Instead of coming to a sharp point, a ball pointed nib has a little round nubbin on the end that is much smoother to write with.

Because of this, the Perry & Co Glideaway and the R. Esterbrook & Co Oval Point are extra nice to write with! Though ball pointed nibs do come at the price of flexibility.

[skinsharpenedteeth]

RNM After Dark, Day 2!

Today's story is... different. Medical kink, lab sex, milking machines, barebacking, comeplay... it's a real mixed bag. Definitely rated Explicit. 6883 Words.

Here's a link to the story on AO3!

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"Compromised by a Foreign Body"

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Alex knew the way they were going about it was wrong. No matter how many times his father told him the aliens were nothing more than violent, seditious predators from another world, it never sat right. But, when it was time to do his duty, Alex had stepped into line. He’d even managed to pull his best friend, Liz Ortecho, into working in the biomedical lab for Project Shepherd. Being a Manes meant that even in what should be a strict, military hierarchy, Alex was a prince. So he made his own job, helped out where he wanted, and tried to not think about the things he’d done or seen when he went home at night.

“Alex, can you help me with the specimen extraction this week? I’m really behind on some notations from last week’s experiments. It would be a great help to me,” Liz said one afternoon. He’d been aimless all day, simply walking around the base to look busy but without an actual task. His stomach clenched, however, at the request. Specimen extraction brought him into very close contact with aliens, and there was one whose eyes never seemed to stay on the ground where they belonged. There was one whose eyes followed him, seeming to see through his fatigues and tracing every line of his body underneath.

“The females and males?” Alex asked, clearing his throat to get rid of his nerves. Liz gave him a curious look at the show of anxiety. She knew him well. She could tell this wasn’t something he wanted to do.

“Just the males. I just need a semen specimen. We’re seeing what happens if we crossbreed them with human female eggs and how that effects the DNA and RNA structures of any resulting hybrids. Just grab the three youngest and put them in the collection rooms. One sample from each should be plenty,” Liz went on, already returning to her microscope slides and file notations. Alex made sure to keep his face neutral as she glanced up to studied him while giving her instructions. He nodded shortly and left the lab, already mentally listing the tasks he’d need to perform in order to do a collection.

Alex had been given basic medical training when he’d been taken on at Project Shepherd. It was explained that at any point, one of their captives might have to be taken down with an injection if brute force was inadvisable. He’d also received extensive hand-to-hand combat training. Alex had found it interesting that de-escalation techniques hadn’t been taught as part of his training before coming onto the base. So far he’d only had to use the bare minimum of force to get his job done. He’d turned into something of a Jack-of-all-trades, however, when it came to medical or scientific technical procedures.

First, he stopped by the captive holding area and signaled his brother Flint over from the guard station. Flint gave him an annoyed scowl, but came over to where Alex was waiting.

“What’s up?” Flint asked, always informal to Alex by way of blood. If their father had seen, Flint would’ve been disciplined. Alex, though younger, outranked Flint and therefore should always be treated with the respect of a superior officer. Alex didn’t care as much. Flint was a stooge and would never be more than a glorified prison guard. His pantomimed respect wasn’t needed for Alex to know he was above him. But Alex knew if their father saw Flint being too familiar at work, he’d chastise him with a fist.

“I need male captives Max, Michael, and Noah to specimen collection,” Alex informed Flint formally. Flint gave him a speculative grin, but didn’t say anything. He nodded and went back to the guard desk to inform the other two soldiers on duty. Alex saw them share a glance and chuckle as Alex started towards the pharmacy. His next task was to pick up some Tri-Mix injection and then to make sure a few rooms were set up with the correct equipment for the procedure.

Alex tried to keep his mind on the business at hand. The laughing of the other soldiers needled at him in the back of his mind. He’d done this job a few times, but he didn’t take any pleasure from it. If the other guys could see what was involved in the process, maybe they’d realize that it wasn’t as sexy a scenario as they imagined. Maybe if Alex wasn’t gay, it wouldn’t have been an issue at all. Maybe if the aliens looked more… well… alien and not just like humans, it could’ve just been an abstract curiosity, a shitty work detail. They would’ve just commiserated with him for drawing the short straw. But he was gay, and they didn’t understand what happened behind the closed doors of the extraction rooms and these three aliens in particular were very attractive by human standards. He shuddered to imagine what deprived fantasies they’d built around him and the aliens. This only happened, of course, when he had to work with the males.

He made his way to the long hallway of rooms they used for technical procedures. Alex looked through the monitors over the tech’s shoulder at the monitoring station. Only one room was in use currently, and it looked like an autopsy was taking place. Alex grimaced inwardly to think they’d lost another alien to the ravages of time.

“Anything scheduled in rooms 5, 7, or 9 for the next hour?” Alex asked the monitor tech quietly. The soldier blinked up at him, as if just now aware someone else was in the small room with him. He cleared his throat and picked up the scheduling clipboard from the corner of his desk. Alex’s eyes strayed back to the occupied room, and he watched with sick fascination as things were taken out of the alien’s abdomen and loaded into bowls.

“Uh, looks like they’re free. Need to book ‘em, sir?” the young soldier asked, remembering protocol at the last moment.

“Yeah. Captain Alex Manes. Max, Michael, and Noah are being brought in for specimen extraction,” Alex told the soldier for his notes. He nodded and wrote down the details on his paper copy of the schedule. He’d type it into the online schedule later as well as any observational notes. With a last glance towards the wall of screens, Alex left the room and went to get the equipment cases out of storage.

Each case held a milking machine which included a cylinder with a latex liner, a connector hose, and a suction machine. Alex placed one in each room and plugged in the power supply to the suction machine so it could start warming up. He rifled through the cabinets that lined each room’s walls and found the lubricant, prostate stimulation equipment, and massage wands. He’d never needed to use the extras, but something about their presence made him feel like he was actually there to do a job. The machines would do most of the work. He was really just there to monitor and make sure the samples were collected and labeled correctly for Liz.

As he was just double-checking all his equipment, Dr. Valenti walked into the room he was in. Alex turned and eyed his ex-best friend warily. Kyle had been making strides towards repairing their friendship, but Alex was still skeptical.

“Hey man. Liz said you were doing a collection. I brought you the Tri-Mix injections. Mind if I help out?” Kyle asked, showing him the preloaded injection pens.

“Sure, I guess. There’s not much to do. Just inject them, sleeve them, turn on the milkers, and go get a cup of coffee until the sensors go off,” Alex said flippantly.

“You don’t do any manual or electrical stimulation before you sleeve them?” Kyle asked, sounding a bit shocked. Alex tried to shrug nonchalantly. He didn’t want to admit that manual and electrical stimulation felt like he was crossing a line somehow. He logically knew these were not humans with human feelings or cultural constructs about consent, but in his own mind it was a step too far. The injection made it medical, but if he actually started probing and touching… then it might just be what those soldiers at the containment area thought it was. Kyle must’ve read his thoughts, because he clapped Alex on the shoulder and gave him a patronizing grin.

“You get better samples if you stim them. I can show you on one if you like? Just so you can see it’s not what you think it is,” Kyle offered, squeezing Alex’s shoulder affectionately. Alex absolutely did not want to see… except that he did. He was going to hell for it, but he was curious. In fact, he was fucking fascinated, and he hated himself for it.

“I mean, if you’ve got the time?” Alex said, trying to give Kyle an out.

“Hey, what’s the joke about doctors and always being busy except they’re really golfing? Think of this as my golf break. I’m getting out of the clinic and getting to do something fun for a little while,” Kyle said with a laugh.

As if on cue, the sound of wheels in the hallway alerted them that the captives had arrived. Alex turned to see two men rolling in Max, the largest physically of their aliens, already naked and strapped to a gurney, gag in his mouth (to protect him from biting his tongue while coming off any medications used during the procedure). Alex felt a quick flash of rage that they hadn’t left him clothed or thrown a blanket over him. The guards placed his gurney in the middle of the room, locked the wheels, saluted to Alex and Kyle before they left. Alex watched Kyle’s eyes rove up and down Max’s body covetously. Max had been gagged and given a mild, but quickly dissipating sedative. Alex could tell that he was relatively aware of where he was, but couldn’t fight the bonds. He hardly did, even when the sedative wore off.

“Here, let’s reposition him a little. If we’re going to stim him, I need to have better access to his body. Did the guards flush their systems before they brought them up?” Kyle asked, already unstrapping one of Max’s legs. He reached under the gurney and pulled out a heel stirrup that he gently placed Max’s foot in before re-securing him for safety. He did the same with Max’s other leg, spreading him wide.

“Uh….,” Alex started, completely out of his depth. He looked up at Max who met his eyes and nodded, color infusing his cheeks like a blush. Kyle was finishing with the other foot when Alex finally answered. “Yeah. They did.”

“Good. That means I don’t have to,” Kyle replied with a laugh. He was transforming the gurney from a long bed into practically a chair in front of Alex’s eyes. Alex had no idea the gurneys had so many bells and whistles on them. With his legs spread wide, hips strapped down to the table, and naked, Max looked utterly exposed to them. Kyle was leaning over Max’s upper body, using a pen light to check his responses. “God, the meds they have now are remarkable. He’s already becoming cognizant again!”

“Yeah, they come to pretty quick,” Alex remarked dryly while he watched Kyle do a quick examination, checking reflexes.

"Let's get some gloves on and I'll show you what I mean about the manual stimulation. If he doesn't react, we can always give him the Tri-Mix, but this can sometimes remove the need to even use it," Kyle explained, moving over to the instrument cart and pulling out two pairs of non-latex gloves. He and Alex snapped them on and Kyle rolled the instrument cart over to beside the table. He grabbed a rolling stool that had been left in the corner of the room from another procedure and sat himself down between Max's spread legs. Alex could see Max's confusion as he lifted his head to try and see what Kyle was doing.

"Okay so," Kyle started, drawing Alex's attention back from Max's dark eyes to where he was covering two fingers in a copious amount of lubricant. Alex watched as he used the non-lubricated hand to spread Max's ass cheeks and expose his dusky, puckered hole. Max's leg muscles flexed against their restraints at the feeling. "Just like with human males, these guys have got something like a prostate. You'd stim it the same way you would for a human."

"I usually like my partners to be hard before I go sticking things into their asses," Alex mumbled, trying for a joking tone. Kyle beamed up at him.

"That would be preferable. But if that's the problem, you can stimulate the prostate first and the penis should start getting erect after. Have you worked with these captives before? Do you know if this one is able to get hard without the injection?" Kyle asked. He still held Max's cheeks open, exposing him as he carried on his conversation with Alex. Alex risked a glance up to see that Max was staring resolutely at the ceiling, flushed but stoic to his treatment. Alex wished they were allowed to speak with the captives and that they didn't have to stay gagged when out of confinement. He'd just ask Max if getting hard was an issue, or if it was just the degradation of being used as a lab rat that kept him flaccid.

"I don't know. Like I said, I've never tried to stim them before suctioning. Max has never come in already hard, but his body responds well to the Tri-Fix," Alex replied, trying to ignore the fine tremors he could see in Max's stomach muscles. Kyle was rubbing a thumb in contemplative circles over Max’s hole, spreading the lube from his fingers and almost seeming unaware of what he was doing as he and Alex talked.

"I bet he can! He's a hell of a specimen. Before we try the prostate, let's see if he responds to some other stimulation," Kyle said with an excited clap. He stood up abruptly and walked to the side of the table. Alex stood on the other side, promising himself he would be polite and watch but wouldn't participate. Kyle took his time looking over Max's physique. In a familiar gesture, he set his hands high on Max's chest.

"Hey handsome," Kyle crooned. He slowly rubbed his hands up and down Max's chest, trailing his fingers lightly over the skin. Max darted his eyes to Alex in obvious confusion and alarm. Kyle followed his gaze. "Ignore him. I'm going to take care of you today."

Alex let his eyes slip away and back down to Kyle's hands. They smoothed over Max's skin, down over his ribs and stomach, then back up so his thumbs could tease lightly over Max's dark pink nipples. Max shifted under Kyle's attention.

"You've got to convince the blood to come up to the surface of the skin," Kyle murmured to Alex while he kept eye contact with Max. Kyle started to rub over Max's nipples more firmly, stroking over the tightening nubs. Pleased with their erectness, he hummed thoughtfully before trailing his hands down to rest on Max’s hipbones. Alex noticed the uptick in Kyle’s breathing and dilation in his eyes as he moved one hand to cup Max’s cock. He rocked the heel of his hand gently before circling his thumb and first finger around the shaft and stroking. Max’s body started to respond to the attention, his cock plumping up in Kyle’s grip as he kept stroking over him smoothly.

“That’s it,” Kyle cooed encouragingly. Max shifted under him as much as he could, head pressed back against the gurney and staring resolutely towards the ceiling. His face was flushed and the red stain seemed to be moving down towards his chest the harder he got. Alex jumped when a hand came into his view suddenly. “Put some more lube on my fingers.”

Alex obeyed Kyle’s order and watched him push one slick finger into Max’s hole, making the alien jump in surprise. Expertly, Kyle crooked his finger and within a few searching thrusts was able to locate Max’s prostate. Alex glanced up to check Max’s cock and was surprised to find him almost painfully engorged. Kyle followed his line of sight and smiled, turning to look at Alex triumphantly.

“Told you man, nothing to it. Hand me the suction canister and we’ll get him hooked up and pumping.” Alex shuddered at the excitement in Kyle’s voice, the eagerness, but he did was he was asked. As soon as the canister was lowered over Max’s cock, cool plastic resting against his belly, Kyle flipped a switch to began low suction. Max’s cock jerked in response to the tight pressure build and release of the machine, and Alex heard a low groan escape from behind his gag. Kyle had managed to work two fingers into his hole while Alex had watched the machine begin its work and was thrusting them in time with the machine. A glance further down and Alex could see the solid outline of Kyle’s own cock straining against his scrub pants.

“Uh, I’m going to go get started on one of the other captives,” Alex spoke up, feeling awkward at continuing to stand by the scene in front of him. Kyle gave him a friendly smile, fingers and wrist still working away.

“Sure, go do Michael. Noah, from what I understand, is a tougher case and I’d like to commit my full attention to him. After this, we can go do lunch if you want?” Kyle offered easily. Alex nodded and made a non-committal sound before turning and quickly exiting the room. He wasn’t fast enough to not hear Kyle murmuring softly to Max before he left. “You’re doing so good, Max. Look at these balls, man. You’re going to give up a big load for us today, huh?”

Alex wished he could bleach his brain.

He quickly closed the door behind him and moved towards the room he knew Michael to be in. He’d seen Michael around the compound. He was hard to miss with his curls, sharp smile, and sad eyes. Alex had tried to ignore him, but he found himself more and more aware of him each time they crossed paths. When he entered the exam room to find him naked and conscious, strapped and gagged the same as Max on the gurney, he flushed hot with a mix of embarrassment and want. He shut the door quietly behind him.

“Hey Michael,” Alex greeted him quietly. Michael’s eyes roved up and down his body, undressing him, challenging him despite his position. Feeling exposed, Alex moved towards the gurney slowly. The closer he got, the more of Michael’s body he could see. His cock was nestled serenely against his balls, a short, dark thatch of hair surrounding his groin and leading up his stomach and over his chest. Alex wanted to run his fingers through the hair, tangle himself in it, bury his face against it… but he knew that was inappropriate. No matter how attractive he found him, the alien was not in any position to consent to anything, and Alex knew it. He was still tempted, however.

To try to hide the awkwardness he was feeling, Alex busied himself with positioning the cart next to the gurney. He gloved up and reached for the lube, immediately dropping it when Michael cleared his throat next to him. The bottle clattered loudly on the metal cart, knocking the milking canister onto the ground. Alex fumbled to try to catch it before it rolled too far away. A knock sounded at the door and one of the guard’s voices came through.

“You okay, sir?”

“I’m fine!” Alex called back, face flaming in embarrassment. He looked at Michael who gave him a smug and superior grin around the obstruction in his mouth. Alex set the canister back on the table and bent over Michael to hiss at him. “Don’t be a dick!”

Michael gave him a raised eyebrow in response as if to say ‘who, me?’

“Yes, you,” Alex snapped. He moved back over to the table and picked up the lube again. Again, Michael pointedly cleared his throat. Alex abruptly turned to look at him, eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What?!”

Michael just looked at him for a moment, waiting for him to catch up. With a huff, Alex moved to block the view of the camera and loosened the gag enough to slide it out of Michael’s mouth. He watched Michael moved his jaw around and swallow convulsively a few times, resisting the urge to get him some water, while he waited for Michael to speak.

“What do you want, Michael?” Alex asked, trying to put steel into his voice to cow Michael’s nonchalant, almost playful attitude.

“I was going to say, you could at least buy me dinner before you start sticking probes into me,” Michael replied, his voice rough but steady. Alex stared at him incredulously.

“Are you trying to flirt with me?” he asked, unable to stop himself. Shock was an adequate description for how he was feeling about this turn of events.

“No. I am flirting with you, private,” Michael replied, giving Alex another once over before continuing. “How am I doing?”

“This is the least sexy situation I could possibly imagine being flirted with in,” Alex answered flatly.

“Well, you refuse to come visit me in my cell, so this is what I’ve got to work with. Besides, you’re about to have to get me hard enough to spurt for science. Maybe you should work on your bedside manner.” Alex stared down at Michael on the table. His eyes moved down to his exposed cock, still flaccid, and then over to the milking machine on the table. His ears felt warm and he was sure he was blushing.

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem. After all, I could always just inject you with Tri-Fix if you don’t want to get hard naturally,” Alex countered, trying not to let how flustered he was feeling show through in his voice. Michael gave him a frankly filthy grin in response.

“With the right stimulation, I’ve never had a problem getting hard naturally. Besides, have you ever had one of those tubes on your dick before?” Michael whistled low in apparent appreciation. “Science is wonderful. I’m all for science.”

“No, I’ve never--” Alex started, affronted at the mere idea that he would use government property for his own pleasure that way.

“Maybe you should climb up here and give it a try….” Michael suggested in a conspiratorial tone.

“There’s no way. There are cameras in here,” Alex protested, wondering why he wasn’t shoving the gag back in Michael’s mouth and getting on with the sample collection.

“I can fix that, ya know. These drugs they have us on dull my powers quite a bit, but I’m still pretty good at shorting out electronics when I need to,” Michael countered. He rushed on as Alex opened his mouth to respond. “You can keep me tied down. You can, uh… manually… collect your sample for the lab from me and take a spin on the suck tube at the same time.”

“I could never…” Alex protested weakly. He hated that he was even considering it. He didn’t know what Michael’s plan was, but he was pretty sure getting his dick sucked by a robot was not acceptable protocol under any circumstances.

“You can gag me again if you want to keep me quiet,” Michael said, voice almost a purr. Alex contemplated the idea, eyes straying from Michael to the milking canister and then surreptitiously up towards where the cameras were. Curiosity was getting the best of him. Curiosity and hormones. This close he could smell the petrichor and salt scent of Michael’s skin and make out the green flecks hidden amongst the amber of his eyes.

“If you can take out the cameras…” Alex started, but before he could finish he heard a faint cry of dismay from the observation room. Panicking, Alex shoved the gag back into Michael’s mouth and hoped to God it hadn’t been visibly out on the video. A second later, one of the monitor techs came into the room looking thunderous.

“Everything okay?” Alex asked the tech who had grabbed a chair and angrily shoved it into a corner. He started to climb up onto the seat, his eyes trained on the small dome on the ceiling that held the camera.

“This fucking piece of shit. Always shorts out on me. Goddamnit,” he cursed, removing the protective dome to look at the wiring beneath. He cursed again and hopped down, coming over to stand in front of Alex. “I’m going to have to replace the whole thing. Something major burned up. Do you want to postpone this procedure or--”

“No!” Alex cut in, his voice sharply cutting off the tech. The tech gave him a wide-eyed look. “I just… I’m not going to have time later. Look, he’s secured down. There are guards outside the door. I’ll be fine. He’s not going to cause me any trouble, will you?”

Alex directed the last question at Guerin who looked between him and the tech and lolled his head as if he were still slightly dopey. The tech squinted at him, but seemed to take the act at face value.

“Fine. Just give me a heads-up when you’re done so I can get in here. And don’t fucking undo any of those straps, got it? They’re there for your protection!” Alex gave him a grave nod and the tech turned and strode out of the room. As soon as the door snicked shut behind him, Alex turned and stared wide-eyed at an obviously unrepentant Michael. Alex removed his gag again, bending close to his ear before speaking.

"If you tell anyone about this, I will have you thrown into solitary for a week," Alex threatened in a low voice. It felt empty because he knew if Michael told anyone, his father would find him and put him in a hole in the ground. There was something about Michael's offer though… a feeling between them that made Alex sure the risk would pay out.

"I won't tell," Michael replied quietly. There was a sadness in his voice that pierced Alex's heart and he moved to be able to see Michael's eyes. They stared at each other for a long moment, each searching for something needed but fragile and better left silent between them. Alex ended their silent back and forth by bending down and pressing their lips together. It was sweet and chaste, a seal for their understanding, and when he pulled back he felt like their bargain was solidly struck. Quietly, Alex moved the extra chair from the corner under the broken camera and wedged it under the doorknob. When he turned back to face Michael, he immediately began to unbutton his shirt enough to pull it and his undershirt off over his head. He leaned against the table to tackle his boots, pants, and prosthesis. With an embarrassing lack of grace, Alex proceeded to climb onto the gurney and straddle Michael's thighs.

Michael's eyes were wide and darkened with lust as they scanned over Alex’s naked body. He looked hungry in a way Alex was all too familiar with. Alex noted to his smug relief that Michael’s cock had gotten half hard at his striptease and was growing firmer beneath him. Without a word, Alex reached over and grabbed the lube bottle, squeezing some into his palm before slicking Michael's cock with it. The friction made Michael groan quietly, his eyes fluttering shut as Alex stroked him with a firm hand and brought him to full hardness. Alex’s own cock was beginning to throb and ache with neglect, but he didn't want to touch himself too soon. The risk of the situation was turning him on almost as much as Michael beneath him, his hips flexing into Alex’s grip in aborted thrusts.

Alex let go of Michael and lifted onto his knees. Keeping eye contact with Michael, he took his still slick hand and reached behind himself to push two fingers into his hole. It was almost too much too soon, but Alex liked the burn and needed this part to go quick. He didn’t realize his eyes had slipped shut, unable to concentrate on anything but the stretch and pressure of his digits as he rocked his hips back and twisted his fingers to make the stretch go faster.

"Oh shit," Michael breathes out beneath him. Alex opened his eyes and pinned Michael with a hard stare before swooping down to kiss him again. This kiss wasn't sweet. It wasn't chaste or simple. Alex licked at the seam of Michael's mouth once and barely gaves the other man time to accept him before he was pushing his way in. If Michael was hungry, Alex was fucking starving. Not that he’d gotten a taste, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop.

Michael moaned into their kisses, his body shifting restlessly, claiming as much movement as he could against the restraints.

"Shhhh," Alex warned, breaking their kiss. He shuffled forward enough to be able to reach behind himself and grasp Michael's cock. Goosebumps broke out over his skin as he pressed the blunt tip to his wet hole. Biting his lip, Alex forced his body to relax and accept Michael's generous girth. It was almost too much and after a few slow drags where he only managed to shove a few inches at a time into himself, Alex pulled off and added more lube. The next time he pushed down, it was like his body just accepted Michael and made room accordingly. Both he and Michael let out harsh, gutted breathes when Alex managed to fully sheath Michael inside him.

"Fucking christ," Alex groaned, trying to stay quiet but already feeling his body scream for him to start fucking himself stupid on the perfect cock stuffed in him. Beneath him, eyes squeezed shut, Michael nodded and Alex watched as his hands and fingers flexed in an echo of Alex's own need to move. Slowly, Alex began to rock his hips and get his first exquisite taste of the pull and push of Michael's cock lighting up his insides. Wrapping a hand around his cock, Alex noted how wet and messy his shaft was from the leaking precum drooling out of the tip. He used that wetness to ease the way as he stroked himself lightly in time with the undulations of his hips.

"Please," Michael gasped out beneath him. "Oh fuck, please."

Alex knew what he wanted, wanted it himself, but also knew they made a plan. Carefully, he reached over to the instrument table and picked up the plastic cylinder end of the milking machine. Inside it was a PVC sleeve that molded itself around the recipient's penis once the suction was started. Then, according to the dials on the machine, the sleeve would go taut and relax with a rhythmic click and hiss, effectually sucking off the wearer until he blew his load and the sample collection sensor went off. The load would then be scraped from the inside of the sleeve and collected into a tube to be given to the lab. Alex knew all of that, had the technical knowledge down pat in his brain, but was unprepared for the foreign feeling of sliding his own cock into the smooth, cool fabric of the milker cylinder. With a barely trembling hand, he pressed the ‘on’ switch and waited for the first pull.

He didn't know what he’d been led to expect, but it wasn't the vice-like, fluid pressure that made his hips hitch forward instinctively to get more of that tight clutching feeling. Alex felt a moan get dragged past his lips, echoed by Michael as he began to fuck forward against the milker and then back onto Michael's cock.

"Oh god," Alex moaned brokenly, curling forward over the cylinder in helpless abandon. The angle pressed Michael's cock hard against his prostate, and Alex indulged himself in a few shallow thrusts that brushed the head of Michael's cock against that spot over and over. His body felt like it was getting expertly rung out, and he now understood why there wasn't more of a revolt against the collection process by the alien captives. They were getting an expert blow job by a robot on the government's dime.

When Alex could drag his eyes open, he looked down and saw his own helpless pleasure echoed on Michael's face. His lips were parted in an "oh" of surprise, eyebrows drawn together like he wasn't sure if he was in pain or in ecstasy, and sweat beaded his hairline and neck. He looked like a ravaged Greek demigod laid bare at Alex's whim. The sight made Alex’s body shudder with a wave of lust for the alien beneath him. He didn’t know if it was because he was alien or because Alex was in the midst of intense pleasure, but he wanted to never leave in that instant.

"Fuck, look at you," Alex couldn't help saying. He pushed back, arching and reaching until he could brace his hands on Michael's legs to grind back down in his prick. The cylinder jut from his groin obscenely between them, position change not effecting its mechanical precision. Michael opened his eyes and stared up at Alex, a look if wonder on his face.

"I wanna touch you," he said, voice quiet enough to almost get lost under the hum of the machine. Alex smirked down at him, feeling fuck drunk and bold at his naked worship.

"Where do you wanna touch me? Tell me," Alex demanded, voice breathy.

"I want to touch your neck. I want to twist my hands in your hair and put you where I want you," Michael said, voice serious like he was in a confessional booth telling his sins. Alex hummed in response, sitting up straight and moving his hands up his chest to his neck and then into his hair.

"Like this?" Alex asked, smiling at the covetous, feral look on Michael's face as Alex acted out his words. He let his eyes slip shut so he could imagine that instead of restrained, Michael was simply dictating his desires to him.

"Yeah. Like that," he agreed. His eyes trailed lower and he began talking again. "I want to rake my nails down your chest. I want to pinch and suck your nipples, abuse your tits until you're begging for me to stop."

Alex let his hands fall from his hair down to his chest. He raked his fingers down the front of his pecs and stomach, not stopping until he was almost at his pubes. He slid his fingers back up to his nipples and plucked at them with savage, twisting, pinching fingers. The zings of pain shot down to his groin, where his balls were drawing up tight to his body, the finish line in sight for him. The rhythm of the machine picked up and Alex opened his eyes in time to see Michael looking intently at the knots that controlled speed and intensity.

"Where else?" Alex gasped, the increased setting of the machine making him tip forward to brace himself with his hands on Michael’s chest, so he could fuck himself harder onto Michael's cock in time. He could see in Michael's face he was getting close too, trying to hold out until Alex busted.

"After I come in your ass, I want you to sit on my face and let me eat you out. I want to taste you and me on my tongue. I wanna watch you squirm, oversensitive and mewling as I tongue fuck you into a second orgasm," Michael managed to say through a gasping, pained groan. His hips were flexing minutely under Alex, trying impotently to reciprocate the harsh pounding he was getting as Alex rode him.

"Fuck!" Alex almost yelled, his body starting to seize at the thought, thrusts going erratic as he rode through his orgasm on with his body on automatic pilot. A beeping sensor on the machine went off and the machine automatically shut itself off. Gingerly, he broke the suction around the base of his cock and slid the cylinder from his body. Feeling wrecked and still impossible full of cock, Alex looked down at Michael who was breathing hard and looking pained at the full stop of their activities. Alex gave him an evil smile when their eyes met.

"Your turn, cowboy," he said. Michael looked at him in momentarily confusion until Alex pulled off his cock with groan. He felt so empty without Michael inside him. He felt like his ass was gaping where his legs were still spread on either side of Michael’s hips. He twisted around and slid the used cylinder over Michael's hard-as-nails prick. Machine in place, Alex reached over and flipped on the machine again, overriding the collection sensor and making sure to turn up the speed to bring Michael off swiftly. He turned back to Michael's face, watching him go from shock to stricken within seconds. Alex bent low, resting some of his body weight on top of Michael’s chest, and mouthing at his jaw and neck. He felt the vibrations of whimpers and quiet moans against his cheek as he nibbled at Michael's ear.

"Once you cum in the cylinder, I'm going to make sure you get a taste of us before I dump the sample due to compromise by a foreign body. That means we'll have to do this again tomorrow. And tomorrow? I'm going to fuck your throat while the machine gets a clean sample from you," Alex whispered into his ear. Michael made an unmistakable noise of release, a tight, gasping sob as his cock was milked dry. The selection alarm chimed again and Alex turned off the machine with an easy flick of his wrist.

Good to his word, Alex twisted and broke the suction of the cylinder. Because of the double load, when he moved it off Michael's cock, he could see their combined spunk coating Michael's length in a pearlescent sheen. Inspired, Alex bent down and dragged his tongue down the length of Michael's softening cock. He turned back to Michael, dumping the cylinder haphazardly onto the instrument cart before sealing his lips over Michael's. Michael opened his mouth hungrily, tongue tangling against Alex's and greedily stealing all traces of their combined flavor for himself. When they broke apart, Alex smiled down at Michael for a moment, giving him one last kiss, before moving off of him and the gurney.

He once again leaned against the side of the gurney and put himself back together. By the time he was completely re-outfitted in his fatigues, his mind was once again on business. He turned and pushed the gag back into Michael's mouth before he could say anything. Michael stared at him in confusion until Alex grabbed a hand towel and laid it over Michael's lap to cover his nudity. He gave Michael a sad smile before he went and removed the chair from in front of the door and stuck his head out into the corridor.

"Captive is ready for transport back to the pen," he called to the guards on duty. He backed away when they came back in the room and unlocked the wheels of Michael's gurney. Michael stared at him in something like betrayal as he was wheeled away. After he was gone, Alex washed out the cylinders sleeve and wrote a note on Michael's chart to schedule him for a second collection the following day.

Alex wasn't sure how he felt about what had just happened. Now, in the quiet of the empty collection room, he wondered if it had been an elaborate dream. He wondered if he'd wake up soon in his own bed, tired and disoriented and dreading another day of work at Caulfield. He also couldn't deny that what had just happened definitely wasn't a dream if the ache in his muscles and the slick feeling between his ass cheeks were to be trusted. He felt guilty for judging Kyle’s lasciviousness when he couldn’t stop himself from riding his captive like a rodeo bull. Was he as bad as the other guards thought, or was it just Michael? Alex couldn’t imagine doing anything that had just happened to another captive or man that he knew.

One thing was for certain, he was already in too deep to want to stop. He hadn’t come that hard since he’d learned where his prostate was. He just didn’t know how he was going to schedule in more time for him and Michael to see each other after tomorrow. With a sigh, he left the room and went back to his office to think through his actions. A flask of bourbon waited in his desk drawer to help him find the answers.

[tamorapierce]

Tammy's Spring 2020 Reading Recommendations For the Bored

Sooner or later the bookhounds among us are going to start joining my relentless song, from age five on up, of “I don’t have anything to read!!!!”

 I am here to help.  In this space, as I get to it (knowing, as my readers do, that I have no sense of deadline), I will be posting a constant set of collections of book titles by authors my team and I have read and will recommend in a wild variety of genres and for a wild variety of ages.  (And I’ll give a short hint as to the subject of the first book/series—if I did them all I’d never finish this.)  This last is for the many of you who are reading teen and adult books in grade and middle school, and those adult readers who are reading teen and kidlit. These people are for those who love books and don’t care who is supposed to be reading them.  

 Also, you may have to look far and wee, since we will be drawing upon not only recently published books but older ones that we have either read recently or that we read long ago and have re-read or have never forgotten.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you when the writing is archaic.  If you’re a true nutsy reader like the rest of us, you won’t care.

 -Tammy Pierce

                                                        *     *     *

Assume the book came out within the last 2 years unless I put LO next to the title, which means you have to check libraries and bookstores online and paper for copies.

 *     *     *

 Diana Wynne Jones  LO

A generation or two of fantasy writers, particularly those who love humor, bow to this woman as our goddess.  Not only was she out of her mind in a very British and manic way, but with her TOUGH GUIDE TO FANTASYLAND she taught a number of us to ditch some ill-considered tropes of our genre.  If you write historic fantasy in particular, move heaven and earth to track this book down.  There’s a bonus: some of the entries will make you laugh till you cry.

           She is best known for her books for middle grade and teens, but they are enjoyable for all readers.  I cannot list them all here because my fingers will break (curse you, arthritis!), but these titles will give you a jumping-off point.  And remember, authors change with each book, so you won’t encounter the same author with each title as the author you read in the previous one!

           The Chrestomanci books, all in the same universe, in order of story,

                       not publication

Charmed Life  (1977) An innocent lad follows his plotting egotistical sister to live with England’s chief wizard

The Lives of Christopher Chant (1988)

Conrad’s Fate (2005)

Witch Week (1982)

The Magicians of Caprona (1980)

Short stories

 The Dalemark Quartet begins with

The Spellcoats (1979)

3 sequels

 The Derkholm books are

Dark Lord of  (1998)

Year of the Griffin (2000)

  The Tough Guide to Fantasyland is standalone, but is a kind of offshoot of the Derkholm books.  You don’t have to have read the Derkholm books to get Tough Guide!

 There are other books and stories by Jones—I’ll let you find them on your own.

  Philip Pullman

To this day I am unable to call him anything but Mr. Pullman—that’s how much in awe of the man I am.  We’ve had dinner together, talked on the phone, talked at an event or two, done a conversation on audio with Christopher Paolini—it’s still Mr. Pullman to me.  (I was an assistant in a literary agency when I discovered his work, and I never recovered.) He is, in a word, brilliant, and his interests range through all kinds of areas, particularly history and religion.  I could have talked with him forever that night we had dinner, but the poor man had jet lag and I let him go to collapse.  It was one of the best exchanges of ideals, values, and books I’ve ever had.  

Read his work carefully, because what he discusses is never just the story on top.  No matter what he writes, he is making strong points about social justice, human nature, religion, and history without preaching.  He is one of the few male writers out there who can write female characters as people, not Something Different.  And you never know, with his work, where he will go next.

 The Ruby in the Smoke,

book 1,  the Sally Lockheart mysteries

Victorian mysteries with a female hero and male assistants,

           The Book of Dust and sequel,

first 2 books of The Secret Commonwealth

           His Dark Materials trilogy

                       The Golden Compass

                       2 other titles                

           THE COLLECTORS

           LYRA’S OXFORD

           THE WHITE MERCEDES

           FAIRY TALES FROM THE BROTHERS GRIMM

           I WAS A RAT!

           TWO CRAFTY CRIMINALS

           COUNT KARLSTEIN

           (I will stop here and let you find the rest. Most are available as Nook books.)

  Sharon Shinn

I discovered Sharon Shinn with JOVAH’S ANGEL, but a shortage of funds left me unable to pursue my interest (I am an economic disaster with libraries, so I buy rather than borrow) until, with a job and money to spend, I spotted THE SAFE-KEEPER’S SECRET.  It is the story of a medieval-ish world and a small village where a baby was left with a childless couple.  She is raised as their daughter and discovers, as she grows, that her mother is an important, a Safekeeper, the person to whom a secret can be told, relieving the person who told it of the weight of guilt from it, to be carried by the Safekeeper until the owner either decides to tell or dies.  (And if they die without giving permission, the Safekeeper never reveal the secret.)  The baby who is adopted by this town’s safekeeper becomes the safekeeper in her turn.

           The next book is THE TRUTHTELLER’S TALE, about a girl who acquires the gift (??) of telling the truth, whether the person she tells it to wants to hear it or not. The third book is The Dream-maker’s Magic.  The three main characters now learn why they have been brought together over the course of the two earlier books, in what I thought was a satisfying, if unusual, conclusion.

           And there’s more!  I just did the two I love best!

             THE SAFEKEEPER’S SECRET (book 1, two sequels)

           ARCHANGEL (4 books)

           TWELVE HOUSES (5 books)

           ELEMENTAL BLESSINGS (4 books)        

SHIFTING CIRCLE (2 books)

           UNCOMMON ECHOES

           GENERAL WINSTON’S DAUGHTER

           GATEWAY

 Daniel Jose Older

 I was a Daniel Jose Older fan before I was sent DACTYL HILL SQUAD for a blurb (preodactyls in flight!  Of all sizes!  Confederate spies!  Thuggish bigot northerners!  The backlash of Gettysburg and the forced recruitment of blacks for the war effort! And strong, smart, fierce kids of various ages, sizes, colors, national heritage, and skills doing their best to help the war against the slaves, keep escaped slaves safe, duck the cruel managers of the homes and jails where they are being kept, find a half-decent meal, free other kids in trouble, learn who’s killing their friends, and help the dactyls!  That’s part of it, anyway!

Yeah, I loved it.  And there’s at least one new book, and once I’ve mowed though that, there are his older teen books, and his grownup mysteries, with their half-dead taxi driver who doubles as a part-time troubleshooter for the undead powers in his Bone Street Rhumba series.  {happy sigh}

  Edgar Allen Poe

Yes, some of these are reminders of why we ended up to be the readers we are and to nudge us to corrupt—I mean, “introduce”—­new readers to the glories that are our legacies.

­

THE COMPLETE TALES AND POEMS OF EDGAR ALLEN POE

           Here are the greats:

poems like “The Raven,” and “Annabelle Lee”

stories like “The Fall of the House of Usher,” “The Telltale Heart,” and  ::shudder:: “The Pit and the Pendulum” (yes, a deep pit and a swinging pendulum topped with a razor-edged blade will be featured in this story).  

My dad would read these to us on dark and stormy nights when we lived near the Pacific ocean, when the fog came rolling in, softening every sound, when there were no cars driving by and no other sounds in our house but his deep voice and the crackle of the fire in the fireplace.  We would listen, soundless, as he wove the stories and poems around us and the foghorn sounded offshore.

           That’s the power of Poe.

  N. K. Jemisin

I think I began with Jemisin’s THE HUNDRED THOUSAND KINGDOMS, soon followed by its sequel THE BROKEN KINGDOMS.  The series ended with a third book, THE KINGDOM OF THE GODS.  She presented a rich and varied world from the aspects of people of different classes, showing the growth of societies and their formation.  I have a secret passion for society-building and social interaction, and whether or not a book is difficult to read (as Jemisin’s books are in spots because she refuses to insult a reader by talking down to them) is immaterial.  I want the world and I want the characters, and with her far-reaching mind and her respect for her characters she delivers each and every time.  I have read almost everything she’s written since that first trilogy: if I’ve missed something, it’s because I was in the middle of a deadline and on the road and somehow didn’t see it.  I’ll catch up!  This is just a sample:

           For readers of all sexes and adult reading skills

 The City They Became (pub’d April 2020)

 The Inheritance Trilogy:

           The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, 2010

           2 book sequels

Novella: The Awakened Kingdom, 2014

                       Triptych: Shades in Shadow, 2015 (3 short stories) 

             The Dreamblood Duology:

           For readers of all sexes and adult reading skills

           The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, 2010

                       Two sequels

 The Broken Earth series:

         The Fifth Season (August 2015)

                       Two book sequels

And there are plenty of short stories out there.  I may even have missed a book or twelve!

For those who prefer to hear my ramble in person, a video!

[pixie88]

Christmas Shopping

Chapter 3 - Addicted to you.  

A/N: It felt so weird writing/editing this chapter in the middle of summer, but that’s how their timeline worked out! I can’t remember the last time I released a H&L chapter or wrote one to be fair, I think after this I have 2 more in drafts. Better get back to it! I hope you like it 😘  

Tagging those who asked to be tagged but if you want to be added let me know!

Read previous chapters HERE!

Warnings: Fluff & NSFW

Songs: Kelly Rowland - Commander, Rihanna - Only girl, Magic - Rude & Wyclef Jean - Perfect gentleman.

Word Count: 2673

Pairings: Laila x Harry

Enjoy! 😘  

A couple days later.

"So what are you going to get Harry for Christmas?" Nikki asks her as they had taken a break from shopping to have some lunch. "I have no idea what to get him!" she sighs. "I'm sure he'll be happy with you in some sexy lingerie," Nikki winks at her Laila lets out a loud laugh making people turn to look at her. "Or you can get him a Santa costume?" she laughs.

"What are you getting Stu?" Laila changes the subject. "He wants a new aftershave, I can't remember what he normally wears. What does Harry wear?" Laila has a think "Erm...a few different ones really Paco Rabanne One Million, Davidoff cool water, Boss Bottle that one what's his face is in the advert....the guy that plays Thor. Is one he smelt recently and liked but he didn't get it because they sold out and only had the sample bottle."

"You can get him that! I might have a sniff to see if it's something Stu would wear too!"

After lunch, they are walking through the shopping centre, Nikki ended up getting Stu some aftershave. Laila was still unsure what to get Harry, so Nikki drags her into Ann Summers. "What about these??" Nikki holds up some fluffy handcuff, Laila snorts. "We already have some, but without the fluff!" Nikki puts down the cuffs "What about cock ring? Closest Harry will get to sticking a ring on it!"

"We have that too," Laila blushes. "Crotch less knickers?" Laila nods signalling she has those. "Weighted love ball?" she asks and Laila again nods. "Feather tickler?" nod, "Blind fold? Riding crop?" Laila again nods, "Jeez, it would be easier to ask what you haven't got!" the pair laugh, "What? It has been eight years remember!" Laila winks at her.

"What about anal beads or ball gag?" Laila pulls a disgusted face "Finally! What about nipple clamps?" Laila laughs, "Only if they're being used on him!" she laughs. "God! Just think 6 months ago you were a born again virgin...now look at you! Getting more action than all of us put together!" Nikki giggles "Just over 7 months actually!" Laila corrects her.

Laila's phone Pings.

"Nikki! Look what Harry has done to Mabel!" she hands her the phone. "Awwww! Laila how adorable do she look!" the pair coo over the photo. "Has she met her new dog walker yet?" Nikki asks as she hands back the phone "She's met her, she's actually taking her out today." she smiles.

They ended up leaving the shop with some Christmas theme lingerie.

Later.

Laila arrives home all the lights are out "Harry?" Laila calls out. "I'm in the living room!" he calls back, she hangs up her coat and makes her way across the hall. When she opens the living room door the room is lit with tea and fairy lights, there are blankets and cushions on the floor in front of the coffee table. On the coffee table there is a chocolate fondue with fruit and marshmallows next to it "Aww Bear! What's all this?" she wanders over to him on the floor. "Where's Mabel?" she looks round the room as she sits next to him.

"She's gone to bed, Nessa took her for a 2 mile walk today!" he cups her face pulling her in for a soft kiss. "Aww, are they getting on OK?" he smiles, "Yeah, I've booked her in for Monday to Friday this week coming about lunchtime, so you'll met her this week."

"Right, enough about this dog walker. Are you going to let me feed you?" she winks, he leans forward grabbing a strawberry and hands it to her. She dips it into the chocolate and guilds it towards his lips, he's just about to take a bite when she redirects it to her mouth and takes a bite. He laughs and reaches over and pulls her lips to his. His tongue swirls with hers tasting the chocolate covered strawberry, he pulls away "That was amazing!" he grins at her.

She grabs another strawberry covers it in chocolate and traces it against his pulse line. Her tongue follows the same path, he groans and his breathing hitches as she pulls away she places the strawberry against his lips, he takes a bite. His lips brush over her finger tips making her every nerve ending stand on end. He knows the affect he has on her "How was that?" 

"Tasty!" he grins and winks at her "Your turn." he picks up a marshmallow covers it in chocolate holds it out for her to bite into it. "Hmmm..!" she smiles at him "Did you get all your shopping done?"

"I need to order a couple of bits online, but after that..I'm done."

"Christmas day, what are we doing?" he asks.

She sighs, "I don't know how we are going to split between them all!" she leans against him and his arm comes around her. "I have an idea....as it's our first Christmas together, what if we did Christmas day just me, you and Mabel? In bed in our PJ's? I'll cook us Christmas dinner. Then Boxing day we do a buffet for both families?" she sits up to look at him "So, a lazy Christmas day? In bed?"

"Yeah...PJ's, snuggles in bed and a Harry Taylor roast. What more could a girl ask for?!" he winks waiting for her answer. "I love it!" his face lights up "Really?!" he questions her. "Yeah, Christmas day in bed with my hunky boyfriend, but I have one alteration....no pajamas!" He raises a brow to her, "Noted!" he jokes. "Instead Christmas jumpers!!!" this wasn't the answer he was expecting.

She giggles "Your face! But I want matching Christmas pajamas!" He chuckles "OK, but no photos my brothers will rip into me!" she sighs "Oh! Come on, one photo? Just to make me happy?" she pouts. "Fine, if it makes you happy." she claps getting her own way, "I think you owe it to Mabel after today!"

He chuckles "She looked cute!" "She did! Oh are you working Saturday?" she asks. "I don't think so?" he questions. "Every Christmas we do a friends Christmas party, kinda like a blow out before the family stuff. Nikki has planned it for Friday night and she has found somewhere that is having a 90's to 2020's night"

"Sounds good, who's going?" he asks. "Remy, Alec, Nikki, Stu, Alene, Daniel and now us!" she smiles. "I'm guessing we get completely smashed then?" she laughs.

Friday evening.

They arrive at the club Nikki found, Laila and Harry are the last to arrive.

Laila notices Stu and Nikki at the bar, she sneaks up behind her Stu spy's her, but Laila puts her index finger to her lips signalling him not to say anything. As she reaches Nikki, she wraps her arms around waist, making Nikki whip round with a face like thunder until she realises it was her friend "Laila, I was just about to...whatever. Glad you guys are here." she shouts over the music.

"Sorry, Mabel's walker got back late. Where are the others?" Laila calls back, Nikki points over to a table where the rest of the group are sat. Harry leans in, "Shall we get a drink first?" Laila nods "What you guys having?" Stu asks. "I know Laila's drink, Harry what ya having?" Nikki asks.

After they make their way over to the others "Hey!!" Laila call out as she takes a seat next to Alec, who hugs her and Harry. They are sat for a few minutes when Kelly Rowland - Commander begins to play Nikki jumps up, grabbing Laila's hand dragging her to the dance floor.

Nikki starts to sing along.

"From here on out

I'll be your commander (I'll be your commander)

No fear no doubt

I'll provide the answer

Right now I command you to dance"

She points to Laila, who starts to sing along with her. The pair are dancing on the edge of the dance floor in view of the table, laughing, their bodies swaying to the music the pair attract a couple of strangers, who slowly move closer to them waiting to make their move to become their unwanted dance partners.

Completely oblivious to the unwanted strangers, the song switches to Rihanna - Only Girl they continue to dance. Suddenly both girls feel someone behind them as they turn they saw Stu and Harry, Laila looks up at him confused "I thought you don't dance?" she laughs. He wraps his hands round her, swaying her as he leans in, "I don't, but those blokes behind me were inches away from trying to dance with you two."

She looks behind him "Oh, you didn't want me dancing with a stranger?" she laughs, he shook his head and they continued dancing away.

The next song was Magic - Rude as it starts up Laila starts singing it to Harry when she gets to the chorus he joins in.....

"Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?

Say yes, say yes, 'cause I need to know

You say I'll never get your blessing till the day I die

'Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is no!'

Why you gotta be so Rude?

Don't you know I'm human too?

Why you gotta be so Rude?

I'm gonna marry her anyway

Marry that girl, marry her anyway

Marry that girl, yeah, no matter what you say

Marry that girl, and we'll be a family

Why you gotta be so Rude?"

Both grinning and smiling, he cups her face pulling her in for a kiss.

A little later back at the table "Laila, Boxing day....is it OK to bring Melissa?" Alene asks, Laila looks over to Rem. "Is Rem OK with that?" she looks to Alene who nods "If it's OK with Rem it's OK with me." when she looks up Rem mouths "Thank you." to her.

Daniel comes over from the bar with a tray of drinks "Sex on the beach anyone?" he passes them around the group. "Damn Daniel at least buy a girl a drink first!" Alene teases him "Sorry Len, but you aren't my type!" he winks at her, the group laugh.

A little later Perfect Gentleman - Wyclef Jean starts playing a tipsy Harry pulls Laila away from the bar and onto the dance floor. He spins her before pulling her close to him swaying them together. "Hey, you are a liar!! You can dance!" Laila giggles as she wraps her arms around his neck.

"My moo....ves only get bet...ter after I've add....a few." his words are slurred, his hips move with hers. He spins her round again, her body collides with his "I think you need to get drunk at every party or night out if it improves your dance moves!" he smirks before claiming her lips. As they sway with their lips locked, Laila can feel him begin to stiffen against her hips "Hmmm....someone seems to be enjoy themselves a little to much!" She winks.

He looks round checking no one is near, his lips brush against her ear "Can we head home? I got some other kinda moves I want to show you!" she giggles and bites her lip, "Let's go!" they say their goodbyes and head for the tube.

10 Minutes later.

Their underground train arrives empty, he sits and pulls her onto his lap. He captures her lips, the kiss becomes heated, Harry pulls off his coat and places it on her lap. His hand creeps under his coat snaking into her jeans "Bear, not here!" she whispers, he smirks against her lips continuing his trail. He lets out a soft growl. He reaches her hidden jewel, her head rolls back as his lip pepper down her neck.

She bites back a moan as he works between her slick slits.

Through the speaker they hear the next station is their stop, they both groan with disappointment. "Come on, we can continue this at home!" she gets up as the train pulls into their station.

2 Weeks later.

It's the day before Christmas Eve, Laila has just finished her last day until the new year, she wanders into the kitchen, "Oh, Harry! You're home early!" she was sure he mentioned he was training Stu tonight.

He's leaning against the kitchen counter with a whiskey in his hand, he looks over to her "I canceled Stu's PT session....Laila, there's something I need to tell you..."

He looks as if what he's about to tell her is tearing him up inside, her minds goes into overdrive....Was history repeating itself?

"Bear?" she looks at him concerned, he takes a deep breath "When I came back today to take Mabel for a walk at lunch....I bumped into Nessa." she laughs, "What is she annoyed we didn't get her to take Mabel out today?" he silently chuckles, but it quickly fades. "She was walking another client's dog, she asked if she could join Mabel as I was taking her over to the fields. We were just sat on a bench talking...she asked me about work and us. Then this afternoon she turned up at my work for a PT session, I didn't even know she booked. I was giving her a tour of the gym and she tried to kiss me..."

Laila's cheeks burn, but soon drain cold "What?!" was all she could conjure up from her lips. "Laila, I promise you as soon as she leaned in I stepped back. I was just as confused as you are, I asked her to leave after that." she can see he's just as shocked as she is "Laila? Please say something!" he softly pleads with her.

She sighs, making her way over to him cupping his face "Looks like we need to find a new dog walker." she laughs, he rolls his eyes at her. "Hey, It's not the first and probably won't be the last time a client tries to make a move on you....I remember a client making some more steamier moves on you about 7 months ago," she grins at him. He laughs, "Those were wanted moves!" he reminds her. "More than wanted...just look at what happened that night...but I'm glad you told me about Nessa." she pushes up on her tiptoes to kiss his nose.

"I've never given another woman a tour of the changing rooms since." he laughs before continuing "That is how and why we work because we are honest with one another!" he kisses her nose. "OK, can I be really honest..Bear?" he nods, "You stink!! Did you not shower before coming home?" Laila baits him. "Oh, I do? Do I?" he raises a brow to her.

With that he throws her over his shoulder "Harry?! Put me down!" she screams between her laughter. "Sorry, my love that's a no!"  his hand strikes her arse cheek as he begins to climb the stairs with her over his shoulder. "Harry!!"

Later.

Cuddled up on the sofa watching a film "Bear?" he hums in response. "Can I be the one to sack Nessa?" she giggle, he starts searching her hair, "Harry, what are you doing?" she asks. "Looking for your devil horns," he chuckles, "But if it makes you happy...Yes, you can sack her.... to be fair, it means I don't have to deal with her," he starts to stroke her hair back down "Now how to do it? Mwahahaha!!" she fakes an evil laugh, "You really are the devil!" he smiles at her "Oh, you've seen nothing yet, Bear!" she winks.

@aussieez​ @secretaryunpaid​ @lem-20​ @irisofpurple​ @khoicesbyk​ @txemrn​ @wombatsxkookaburras​ @beautifuluknownvoid​

He pulls her onto his lap, so she's straddling him, he cups her face "Why don't you show me?" his lips crash to hers.

Chapter 4

[thecassadilla]

Preparations

Pairing: Kristanna

Word Count: 1,875/AO3

Summary: Anna and Kristoff ponder nursery themes and paint colors as they prepare to bring their baby into the world. 

Author’s Note: Hi everyone! This is my contribution for Kristanna Week Day 3 - Yellow! It’s a very loose follow up to my fic from yesterday’s prompt, Thankful, but it can be read as a standalone. Enjoy!!!

“I’m thinking...yellow,” Anna mused, her fingers poised on her chin in a thinking position as she glanced around the mostly empty room. She was doing her best to picture what the room would look like when it was completed, though the boxes of yet-to-be-assembled furniture were hindering her imagination. 

“Yellow?” Kristoff questioned, clearly not seeing her vision.

“Yellow is cheerful. Yellow is neutral.”

“Yellow doesn’t seem neutral to me.”

“It’s one of the go-to colors that people buy when they don’t know the sex of a baby,” she explained. “And someone doesn’t want to find out the sex until birth, ahem.”

“It’s exciting to not know,” he countered. “It’s like waiting for Christmas morning when you’re a kid - you have no idea what you’re gonna get until you actually make it to that day.”

“I guess you’re right,” she muttered under her breath, hoping he wouldn’t hear it.

He cupped his hand behind his ear and leaned closer, a coy smile plastered across his face. “What was that? Did you just admit that I’m right about something?” 

She playfully narrowed her eyes. “Don’t make me repeat it. Now back to the paint color - it definitely has to be pale yellow, not a neon yellow.”

He furrowed his eyebrows together, taking another look around the room. “Do you really think that yellow will look good?”

“I think yellow will go nicely with the white crib,” she said, dropping her hand to rest on her swollen belly. “And I think yellow will help me feel awake when I’m ready to pass out from sleep-deprivation. It’ll be like artificial sunlight!”

“Alright, if that’s what you want, then I’ll make it happen,” he smiled wearily, laying his hand on top of hers.

“I want you to like it, too.”

“I’ll like it,” he assured her. “Yellow is...good.”

“Good,” she grinned. “Now I think that the crib should go over there, and then the dresser and the changing table could be on the opposite wall. And I’d like the rocker to be by the windows, so I can look outside during feedings.”

“Your wish is my command.” He glanced down at his watch. “We should probably head to the hardware store now so that way we have enough time to decide on a shade before they close.”

She shook her head. “You go, I’m too tired.”

“You trust me to pick out the right shade?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow. “You know what, I’ll just grab a few samples so you can look at them and I can go back and pick it up another time.”

“Of course I trust you, honey. I want you to buy it today,” she said, leaning her head on his shoulder. “I know you’ll pick out the perfect shade.”

“No pressure,” he huffed. 

“And the sooner we get the room painted, the sooner we can build the crib!”

“I think what you mean to say is that the sooner I paint the room, the sooner I can put the crib together, because you will not be inhaling paint fumes or building furniture for the foreseeable future.”

“Fine,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“I should get going.”

She puckered her lips and he obliged her with a quick kiss. “Love you! Be careful.”

“Love you, too.”

Kristoff had foolishly assumed that there wouldn’t be a large selection of yellow paint at the store. When he arrived and saw the sheer amount of shades and different brands that the store was selling, his jaw nearly hit the floor and he knew that he would have to make his decision carefully. So, he perused the aisle of the store for what felt like hours and wound up choosing a pale yellow called “Honey Pot,” hoping that it would suit Anna’s taste. In his eyes, it was the perfect shade of yellow; it was noticeably yellow and not just cream-colored, it wasn’t obnoxiously bright, and it would be easy to paint over if they needed to repaint the room in the future.

When he returned home from the hardware store, paint in tow, he was hoping that he would find Anna upstairs in the nursery. Instead, he found her on the recliner in the living room, fast asleep. He thought back to the baby book he’d read, and remembered that pregnant women were not supposed to sleep on their backs and he instantly became panicked. 

He rushed over to her side, and gently shook her shoulder. “Anna? Anna, baby, wake up.”

She groaned, opening her eyes and turning to look at him. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re not supposed to be sleeping on your back.”

She glared at him. “You should count your lucky stars that I can’t get up off this chair and tackle you.”

“I’m sorry, I just panicked,” he explained. “I read that it’s not good for the baby.”

“Oh, honey, I really appreciate that you’re concerned, but I was fine. We were fine.”

“I’m really sorry for waking you up, but on the plus side, I got the paint.”

“About that…”

“What?”

“I changed my mind. I don’t think we should paint the room yellow,” she said sheepishly, grabbing her phone and typing in the passcode. “I read online that yellow can be too over-stimulating for babies. It makes them fussier, and then they cry more.”

“Fantastic,” he muttered. 

“I think we should actually paint it light grey, and then get bedding that’s yellow and grey. And yellow curtains. Here, like this.”

She handed him the phone, which was displaying a picture of the nursery that she’d just described. She was right, the grey paint was infinitely better than the yellow. He sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t know if the paint is returnable.”

“I’m sure it is,” she said, as he handed the phone back to her. “It’s not like you used any of it. People change their minds all the time.”

“I don’t know if there’s a ‘my pregnant wife is indecisive’ clause in their return policy, but I’ll look at the receipt.”

“You’re the best,” she smiled. 

“The store is closed but when I go back tomorrow you’re coming with me to pick out the grey paint. You have no idea how grueling it was to try and figure out what shade of yellow you’d like.”

“I’m not picky. As long as it wasn’t highlighter yellow, I wouldn’t have had any complaints.”

“I did my best, but I’m glad it’s going back because you changed your mind about the color altogether and not because you didn’t like the color I picked.”

“I’m sure the shade you picked was perfect,” she assured him before returning the recliner to its upright position and holding her arms out. “Would you mind helping me up? I wasn’t kidding when I said I couldn’t get out of this chair.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Much later that night, Kristoff was preparing for the nursery to be painted; he moved the stack of boxes to the hallway, careful to leave room for them to pass by and had just finished laying the tarp on the floor when he heard Anna call him from their bedroom.

“Kristoff, I need your help!”

Her tone made it sound quite urgent and he immediately dropped what he was doing in order to rush to her side. “What’s wrong?” he asked, breathless from his sprint. 

Nothing appeared to be wrong at first glance; she was merely sat up in bed with her laptop resting on her thighs. She motioned for him to come closer. “I need your help picking a theme for the nursery.”

“Oh that’s it? You scared me, I thought something was wrong with you or the baby.”

“We’re fine, baby’s kicking up a storm,” she assured him, patting the top of her belly and smiling. “Just indecisive. Come look.”

He sat down next to her on the bed and she turned the laptop to face him. “What’re we looking at?”

“So, I really like this bedding here - yellow, grey, and white chevron. It incorporates the color of the walls and the crib with the paint color that we originally wanted.” She pointed to the picture on the screen before dragging her finger over to the picture next to it. “But this one is safari-themed. The crib sheet is yellow with cute baby monkeys and giraffes and zebras, but the comforter that comes with it is grey and white, so it works. What do you think?”

“Sounds like a big decision. Which do you like?”

“I can’t decide. I need your input.”

“I’m not really good at this stuff,” he insisted. “You’re better at the interior design stuff. I’ll stick to painting walls and building furniture.”

“But I want your help,” Anna pleaded with a pout. 

He looked back at the screen, studying each of the pictures before giving her his final verdict. “Baby animals.”

She smiled triumphantly. “That’s what I was thinking! I’m going to add it to our registry.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t decide,” he chuckled.

“I didn’t want you to be complaisant and go along with the one I like because I like it. I value your opinion and this baby is as much yours as it is mine, so you should have a say.”

“That’s true but you’re the one who has to endure being pregnant. It’s only fair to let you have the final say.”

“Don’t make me power hungry,” she laughed. She closed the laptop and twisted to put it on her nightstand. “Next up, you’ll say that I get the final say on the name, too.”

He smiled coyly. “I’m definitely not saying that.”

“Drats.” She snapped her fingers in defeat.

“Only twelve more weeks. Can you believe it?”

“I can’t. I’m glad the morning sickness stage is over, but I don’t know how I can get any bigger than this. I’ve already lost the ability to see my feet when I’m standing. And the pressure on my back? Ugh, it’s the worst.”

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“It’s not hard, it’s just a little overwhelming. I’m tired, and grouchy, and I feel like a walrus.” She turned her attention to her belly and poked at it with her finger. “And I wish you’d stop using my bladder as a punching bag.”

“You’re not a walrus. You’re beautiful, and strong, and if you need a back massage or you want your toes painted, then I’m your guy.”

She smiled. “Thank you, sweetie. And by the way, this baby is obsessed with you. Whenever you talk to me, it's nothing but nonstop kicks and somersaults. Here, feel,” she said, grabbing his hand and holding it to her belly. 

“That never gets old,” he smiled, relishing the sensation of the baby moving against his palm. 

“It’s all fun and games until there’s a foot lodged in your ribcage,” she giggled. 

“Feels like there’s a party in there,” he chuckled. “How about we make this a real party? I’ll bring you up some ice cream.”

“Ooh, ice cream in bed? That sounds wonderful.”

“Mint chocolate chip?”

Her eyes widened and she nodded excitedly. “Um, yes. How is it possible that you know what I’m craving before I do?”

He smirked. “I speak fluent Anna.” 

[bundleofyarrow]

Bundle of Yarrow Chapter 9 is up!

the 9th chapter of my Milo x Reader fic Bundle of Yarrow is up! you can read it below the cut or over at AO3. this chapter is mostly inspired by an ask wanting to see a scene of Milo getting jealous! see my attempt at creating tension as you struggle to deal with suddenly being a part of the gym challenge.

Exiting Motostoke was like shifting into a completely different setting. The west side of the city was dominated by warehouses and loading equipment. Sounds of metal against metal and tumbling construction material overwhelms the magic feel of the city. Instead, haze from billowing smokestacks and whiffs of waste occupied your senses as you walked through to Route 3. You never thought you’d miss the Wild Area, but you would trade this for the scent of the forests any day.

“Whew! Now I remember why I never visit Turffield on foot unless it’s from Hulbury.” Sonia complains, waving a hand in front of her nose. “I think the last time I’ve been to Route 3 was for our gym challenge!”

Earlier in the day, Sonia showed you a statue of a hero with a sword and shield in the lobby of the Budew Drop Inn while you waited for Leon to get ready. She was reading the inscription and looking information up online while writing in her notebook. It was an interesting listen, hearing about Galarian folklore and the mysteries that remained. Her excitement and curiosity was infectious. Even though you had little relationship to this region’s mythologies, you were becoming invested in her adventure for finding out the truth. Apparently there are ancient sites in Turffield that may have leads for her research, so she decided to walk with you over to your first stop in the gym challenge.

“You don’t have to rough it with me, you know. You’re able to take a flying taxi over to Turffield.” You offer nonchalantly, not trying to give away that you do indeed want her company, but don’t want to feel like a bother. “It’s just me that has to do all the walking.”

“Absolutely not.”

A few paces behind you was Leon, except upon a cursory glance you might not be able to tell. He was dressed in joggers and a hoodie that contained his hair, complete with wrap-around sports sunglasses that tinted your reflection in yellows and greens. This is the first time you’ve seen Leon incognito, more used to his open, public displays of celebrity. In a group chat with you and Sonia, Nessa gossiped about Leon getting scolded by League higher-ups and was told to not be seen with you anymore. He was also given a bunch of work by Chairman Rose related to some new energy plan Marcos Cosmos was prototyping. Leon wouldn’t tell you more than that, only he was escorting you to the Galar Mines on the other side of Route 3, picking up some samples, and heading to Hammerlocke, which you learned is a city north of the Wild Area.

You couldn’t put your finger on it exactly, but it felt like Leon was hovering over you all day so far. He would reach for things to give to you the moment you were about to get them yourself, or he would take your coffee cup while you were texting on your phone. Leon insisted that he come along with you because you needed some training to do well at the gym challenge. You still weren’t completely sure about this whole gym challenge thing, but you figured he was right, given he’s a champion and all.

Things weren’t exactly settled with you though. When you woke up, your phone had a huge influx of notifications from Pokegram. Turns out that Raihan posted the selfies he took with you at dinner on his account and tagged you. This only seemed to stoke the speculation online about a relationship between you and Leon. While the idea didn’t offend you, things definitely didn’t feel like there was romance in the air. He always acted weird towards you, despite making advances on you twice. Not to mention, there has to be something going on him with and Sonia…

“It’s nice to do the walkin’ sometimes! Durin’ challenge season things get so busy, there’s no choice but to use flyin’ taxis.”

It was hard not to smile with Milo’s matter-of-fact optimism, seeming to be in a much better mood today and back to his usual pleasant self. He walked next to you with that permanent soft rise in the corners of his lips, not looking at all encumbered holding bags of last minute grocery shopping you did. Early this morning he actually went to get the group coffee and tea while you dragged yourselves out of bed and got ready to leave. On your way past the markets of the city you remember how you wanted to stock up on some cooking materials for the trip, and might have went a smidge overboard. You wanted to get some fresher ingredients for the first couple of days, so you got some sausage to cook for tonight and a good medley of mushrooms and veggies for tomorrow. After that, you knew you had to get things that preserve for a bit, so you also bought some potatoes and pre-cooked burger sealed tight, along with a couple cups of emergency instant noodles. And of course, plenty of curry mix! What escaped your calculations was how much all of that would weigh, and the current lack of space in your bag.

And as if on cue, with little effort at all, Milo just lifted the bag out of your arms and informed everyone he was joining you all on the trek over to Turffield. You were quite surprised, since he probably needed to get to his gym to prepare for the first wave of challengers. Milo said he wanted to stretch his legs and take things slowly before the rush, but you wondered if that was the full story. Come to think of it, this was when Leon’s weird behavior began.

As the group crossed out of Motostoke and to the dirt path of Route 3, Leon stopped you. He was scoping out the rustling in the tall grass and took notice of young trainers loitering around hoping to get some practice in. When he turns to you, he has a bit of a smirk and hands on his hips.

“Okay, it’s time to get serious about your training! Let’s go over some basics and give you some strategy.” He holds up eight fingers, four on each hand. “So there are eight gyms, what is unique about them?”

You blink a couple of times. “They all specialize in different types, even I know that Le-” He quickly makes a hushing gesture with a finger over his mouth. “Um, mysterious Mr. Man?” Sonia doesn’t hide her giggle.

“So you have to visit each of these in an order, right? It only makes sense that you try to capture and train Pokemon that have type advantages for your next gym. Then when you get to the championships, which you will, you can select the Pokemon you’ve bonded with the best to train for the end.”

“This feels like cheating, but okay.” You look over to Milo, who is looking down the route but casually listening in. “So it’s your gym first, and I feel like everyone has been saying you like Grass types?”

Milo smiles at you and gives a thumbs up. “You got it! In fact, you already met the Pokemon you’ll be battlin’.” That must mean the ones he introduced to you while you were camping.

“Right, now Milo isn’t that much of a challenge,” Milo stiffens a bit at Leon’s comment. “So as long as you find the right types, you can win pretty easy. Since his gym challenge only uses two Pokemon, you only need two yourself. And I’ll help you train!” His grin only widens, he’s really into this. “Do you know what is good against Grass?”

You try to remember the times you’d have lunch and Hop would force Gloria to quiz him on type matchups. Whether it’s helpful or not, you try to imagine literal grass and what it wouldn’t like. “Fire, Bugs, umm… and Ice?”

Leon nods. “Also Flying and Poison, so there are plenty of choices to beat Milo with.” Out of the corner of your eye, you notice Milo’s smile is gone and his expression is very difficult to read. It’s not that nervous, fumbling side that comes out every once in a while, it’s… something else. “This route is the habitat for a few fire Pokemon, Growlithe, Vulpix, and if you’re willing to do some searching, there’s Sizzlipedes too. And catching you a Rookidee wouldn’t hurt either. I can train you with the Thwackey I have on me, we need to work on your battling form.”

It’s hard to not feel a bit overwhelmed by everything Leon is shooting at you. But before you can protest much, he leads you down the route to begin your training. He gets nearby trainers to battle you, coaching you from how you throw your Pokeball to giving commands. Yelling orders at your Pokemon makes you deeply uncomfortable, so you try to work around Leon’s advising by cheering them on or getting better at reading the situation and relaying that information to them. You can tell Leon is biting his tongue, because while it seems like you’re winning battles, they aren’t decisive wins.

After a fight with a girl’s Vulpix, you crouch down to pet Pancham and tend to her burns. She didn’t seem to have an issue with battling at all, in fact, she’s basking in her victory. But hearing her cries when attacked was dreadful. It made you want to quit right then and there. “You’ll get a little extra curry tonight.” For some reason, your other Pokeballs shake upon hearing that.

When you rise and return Pancham to her Pokeball, you feel a strong hand on your back. “Good work, you’ll be battling me in no time!” You can see Leon’s eyes sparkle when he looks over his sunglasses at you. “I can now see what Milo was talking about, you care about your Pokemon above all other concerns. It’s hard to be that way during a fight though, during a Pokemon battle all you can think about is winning.”

You sigh a bit hearing that, and Leon soon directs you into the tall grass to find a fire Pokemon of your own. “You have a Vanillite, but it’s better to explore some more options before you settle on including her into your lineup.” It doesn’t take long to reconfirm that you are horrible at throwing Pokeballs, and you realize that you most likely only caught Yamper and Vanillite because they wanted to be caught, just with a bit of a fight first. The idea of forcing a Pokemon to join you twists your stomach. You attempt to talk to all the wild Pokemon Leon wanted you to catch but none responded very well.

“We’re really going to have to work on your throwing arm. Here, let me catch-”

“No.” You say with more force than you meant. “I don’t like doing it this way. My Pokemon picked me, and I want to keep it that way.”

Leon crosses his arms over his chest, cocking his head to the side and raising an eyebrow. “But how are you going to get the Pokemon you want? I admit I’m impressed that Pokemon seem to choose you willingly, and they want to fight for you. But you’re supposed to be doing the choosing, not them. You’re a Pokemon trainer now, have to get into a different mentality.”

Sonia and Milo have mostly been chatting between themselves while trailing behind you and Leon. They both give you a reassuring touch on the shoulder or elbow whenever he gets particularly tough in his instruction with you. It’s clear to you now why Leon is the champion, he can see the entire world from the perspective of a Pokemon battle. Every piece of information relates to how he can win or is discarded. On the other hand, you were interested in the story of each of your charges, wanting them to grow and live the lives they wanted to pursue. They chose you not because you were aiming to become the best, but rather some other adventure you had yet to fully define.

“I think you’re doin’ a great job.” You turn to Milo, who’s smiling. Thinking of him cheering you on sends some tingles throughout your body. “It’s nice to see someone go about being a trainer in a different way.”

“You’re just saying that because you want an easy win!” Leon smirks at Milo, slinging one arm around your tire shoulders. “Don’t listen to him, I’ll make it so you’re unbeatable for your adventure.” That unreadable expression returns to Milo’s face, and you watch his eyes lock onto where Leon’s hand is grasping your shoulder. “We’ll resume lessons soon, let’s take a break.” He gives you a quick squeeze and lets go to lead you forward.

It’s only now that you notice the sun was just starting to fall past its zenith. In a nearby clearing Sonia lays out a blanket and Milo tears apart some bread that he got at the cafe earlier this morning to pass around for a snack. You all are mostly quiet, probably for different reasons. You feel like there are maybe a pair of eyes or two on you, but you’re staring off into the distance as you mull over Leon’s attitude towards being a Pokemon trainer. However, it’s not long before the group notices a lingering smell of something unsavory. Sonia shoots a glare over to Leon while covering her lower face with her hand. “Ew Leon, was that you??”

“Sonia!” Leon practically screeched, turning a bright shade of red. “Why are you so quick to accuse me!?”

As they bicker, Milo leans towards you and points out into the distance past the route. There’s a factory with smoke drifting from it in the air, surrounded with carts full of what looks to be coal. “That’s a Marcos Cosmos energy plant over there, turnin’ ore into power.” You can tell Milo is trying to not breathe through his nose as he talks, and it takes you a bit of effort to not giggle at how cute he sounds. “Chairman Rose pretty much owns every method of generatin’ energy here in Galar. It probably smells because this is a crosswind point for the industrial district of Motostoke ‘n the factory.”

But the smell only gets stronger, and soon you hear some rustling in the nearby foliage. Sonia’s Yamper begins to bark as suddenly the source of the strong smell presents itself to you all: a Trubbish. Your friends instantly reel and move away from the Pokemon. “Let’s find somewhere else!” Sonia chokes through as she tries to grab her belongings.

You’re familiar with the Trubbish from Alola, where they gathered around cities. But you knew that most Trubbish only smell when they aren’t really in contact with people, as the stench is mostly a defense mechanism in the wild. On TV you remember multiple ad campaigns against Trubbish abuse, and that the Recycling Center harbored many that were put to work and happily coexisted with people. So your first reaction wasn’t to get up and run, but to tear your piece of bread in half and offer it to the Trubbish.

Leon calls your name. “What are you doing?? Let’s get out of here! Trubbish always leave sludge on your things and can attract other Trubbish miles away.”

“There’s a reason this Trubbish came to us. He’s hungry and must have been unable to find some food. Maybe the days before challenge season are the least traversed, so there are few people around littering.”

The Trubbish looks between your face and the bread a few times before waddling over to you. Even though the smell was no less than putrid, you did your best to smile and make it not seem like you were breathing through your mouth. “Go on, have some. And if you’d like, I can cook you some food later! What do you think about some sausage curry?”

You don’t need to see them to know your friends were gawking as the Trubbish takes the bread from you and the two of you eat your pieces together as a sign of friendliness. It was hard to notice at first, but as the breeze picks up you can tell Trubbish’s smell was beginning to disappear. Finishing the bread, he jingled happily, if the clanging of the trash items inside him could be considered jingling. Trubbish epitomized ugly-cute for you, but you didn’t want him to know that.

“All better for now?” You rise to your feet when he jumps and jingles some more. He kind of reminds you of your Vanillite, who you bring out of her Pokeball. “Something tells me you two will be friends, how about you keep each other company while we travel?”

It is clear Trubbish absolutely adores Vanillite, and you hope it’s not because he wants to eat her for looking like ice cream. But your Vanillite soon warms up, if still below freezing, pretty quickly when she notices the Trubbish doesn’t mind her cold temperatures. Once they start chattering you turn around, freezing when you see three pairs of eyes staring at you. Leon was straight-up slack jawed. “G-guys, what??”

Sonia is the first to speak up. “I’ve never seen someone speak to a Trubbish like that before… Brilliant! Had no idea their smell went away.”

Leon’s hand was pensively rubbing his chin as he looked at you and your Pokemon. “Not many people go through the trouble of taming a Trubbish. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve fought one as Champion.”

Milo isn’t quick to say anything, but he is positively beaming at you, to the point where you think his gaze would make you melt. You walk towards the others to start again down the route, and the two Pokemon jingle behind you. “It looks a bit like magic whenever I see ya talk to Pokemon.” He finally remarks, lightly touching his fingertips to your arm for a quick second. If you weren’t paying attention you wouldn’t have noticed the contact, but whenever his skin touches yours, you can feel the warmth radiate from his body.

“You’re not going to catch him?” Leon looks confused, only continuing to walk when you pass by him. “I thought that’s the reason why you did that?”

“Oh, I didn’t do that because I wanted to catch him. It just seemed like the right thing to do.” You give a slight shrug to Leon’s question. “If he gets along with our Pokemon well and seems to be having a fun time, I’ll offer him a Pokeball and he can decide. He is a Poison type, so that’s one I should get, right?” You can’t help but smile at Leon’s puzzled expression. “I at least owe him some cooking first!”

You encounter more battling school children down Route 3, probably because everyone can see Milo’s distinctive silhouette rather easily. Leon coaches you through battling with Vanillite as Trubbish and the others watch, but barking orders still doesn’t come naturally to you. During a battle with a girl’s Purrloin, you realize it’s not that you lack the confidence. Rather, you just don’t see your Pokemon as a means to an end for winning matches. Leon seems to be critiquing you less and more watching your style, how you trust Vanillite to react instinctively to the battle. It’s clear her ice attacks are getting stronger, and that she’s good at taunting and then countering with blasts of snow.

~*~*~*~

As the sun begins to near the horizon, Milo leads everyone up a hill to what looks like the highest point in Route 3. There are already other tents set up in the area, so the four of you get to work creating a little corner with the three tents between you all. The campsite quickly becomes a bit of a circus when everyone lets their Pokemon out: your five, Milo’s three, Sonia’s Yamper, Leon’s Charizard and Thwackey along with the wild Trubbish.

The two men go off to collect firewood, Sonia visits a nearby berry tree, and you begin to slice up some sausage. The Pokemon are cautious of Trubbish, but Vanillite seems to be acting as a liaison. Before you know it, they are romping and battling each other. Every once in a while one would scamper over to smell the sausage, but were satisfied with some pets and a promise that dinner would be ready soon. Milo’s Pokemon mostly hung around his tent and Charizard sat next to you watching the others. It begins to dawn on you that this is starting to feel familiar. You pause for a second, setting the knife down and just gazing out to where the Pokemon were playing. The Yampers were thick as thieves by now, chasing your Wooloo, Pancham, and now Leon’s Thwackey around. Lombre relaxed with Milo’s Pokemon while Vanillite and Trubbish seemed to be practicing techniques with each other. Charizard nuzzled your shoulder, an eye trained on the sausage as you pet him.

Milo and Leon were the first to return, looking to be in good spirits. It didn’t occur to you until now that they probably were friends, both being major figures in the League and all. They stacked the firewood and Leon got Charizard to light it up. But it wasn’t long that you noticed Leon was watching your Pokemon with a look of concern, arms crossed over his chest again.

“Is something wrong, Leon?”

He looks to you for a second before looking back at the playing Pokemon. “It might not be the best idea to let them battle unsupervised, especially when they are new to you and undisciplined. You’ll want to make sure they are developing the right habits.” You’re not entirely sure how to answer, because you know he’s probably right but you couldn’t think of anything more unpleasant. Leon turns back to you and crouches by the fire. “You’ve been working hard all day, how about I cook dinner and you take a break?”

You shake your head and notice Sonia returning with an armful of berries. “Let me do this, to make up for worrying you these past few days. It would mean a lot for me to cook for you.” You smile at Leon, and hear Milo busying himself with his Eldegoss who seem to be giving him a piece of their minds over something. “Plus, I promised Pancham and Trubbish some curry!”

Sonia hands you the berries she found and you sift through what she found. While she got you a good number, it seemed like there wasn’t a diverse selection on this route. Sausage is one of the better meats to react to sweetness, so you decide to base the roux of the curry on pecha berries with a few oran ones mixed in for balance.

When Leon and Sonia join the playing Pokemon, Milo comes to sit down next you. “Can I help with anythin’?”

You nod absent-mindedly as you compare berry sizes and count out how many you need. “Would you mind getting the rice going? That would be helpful! We’re also going to need to crush the oran berries and stir them right into the curry mix. The pecha berries will need a slight roasting over the fire, then we’ll crush half of them and put in the others whole. I’ll also brown the sausage over the fire before adding it in and then let everything cook. What do you think?”

When you look over to Milo, he’s smiling. Of course. And that funny feeling in your stomach takes over again. Of course. You really wish you knew what was happening to you. He doesn’t seem to be having as much of a messy internal monologue as you are. “Sounds amazin’! Were you a chef back ‘n Alola?”

You chuckle a bit as you sort the berries, Milo instinctively taking the ones to be mashed. “No not at all, I don’t know if I’m that good at cooking really.” You skewer slices of sausage and pecha on thinner sticks you find in the wood pile, preparing them for roasting.

“But you’re quite deliberate when you cook. Most people throw anythin’ in the pot and hope for the best.” You’re sure that Milo counts himself among most people, though he seems like the type that can eat anything and everything. He checks the temperature of the water in a smaller pot before adding the rice in, and you take that as a sign to pour the curry mix into the larger pot.

“I guess that’s true. Thinking on it, there’s just something special about making a good meal. Like, it’s one of the most satisfying things in life, eating good food that you made yourself, knowing others are happy because of something I did.” Milo pushes in the mashed berries into the curry while you prop up the skewers, lightly rotating them every once in a while over the fire. “Right now my mind is like, how can I make everyone happy with what I’ve got? I haven’t learned your preferences yet, but I feel like you’d enjoy this. And it would be really satisfying knowing that you did.”

Milo is quiet for a bit. You can’t tell if he’s thinking up a proper response or just taking in the moment. After you take down the skewers and toss the meat and remaining berries in, you begin to stir it all together. It smells how you imagine it, a savory-sweet smell which seems to waft over the camp since Pokemon are drawing nearer to the campfire. Sonia is back on her phone with her notebook in hand, and Leon is giving poor Thwackey a lecture. Curious noses sniff around the pot, but everyone can now read the look you give them to have some more patience.

“I can’t wait for you to see Turffield. I hope ya like it there.”

Milo’s voice was barely above a whisper, almost drowned out by the crackling fire and Pokemon chatter. You turn to him, a little taken back from his Eldegoss and Gossifleur staring at you expectantly. His face is in profile from your angle, shadows and light from the fire flickering across his cheek as he watches the curry bubble.

Before you respond, you feel mass of wool bump up against you. Wooloo immediately and consistently begins to bleat at you, crawling into your lap and staring at the pot of curry. You notice that all the other Pokemon have gathered around the campfire as well.

“Okay okay, it’s about done. You all should know that the longer it similar the more-” a range of Pokemon whines and protests erupt. How did you suddenly end up with so many children?

Leon takes the ladle before you can reach for it and begins to serve the curry over rice. With a smile he hands you the first bowl. “You earned it.” Soon enough the humans have their servings and the Pokemon gather around a few large bowls they share from.

The sounds of happy eating pleases you as the curry came out nicely. You’re glad that you decided to grill some of the ingredients to give the curry some texture and not get more sweet than savory. It could have done with more spice, you’ll have to make sure you gather some cheri or figy berries next time for when there aren’t any in nature.

“This is amazing!!” Leon regards you with his mouth full, with Sonia more politely covering her mouth as she nods beside him. “I didn’t know you could cook this well! Might be better than Sonia’s cooking.” Which then causes her to frown.

“I’ll remember that the next time you’re pawing at my tent door for breakfast.”

The two get into their usual back-and-forth, letting you shift your attention to Milo. He was shoveling his food down, probably needing seconds soon. “Did it come out alright?” Mouth full, he nods and chews at the same time.

As the night goes on, conversation inevitable gets back to the gym challenge. Though the two are friendly, you can’t help but sense some tension between Leon and Milo. It’s clear that Leon perceives Milo’s gym to not be much of a challenge, and expects you to only be in Turffield for a short while before heading to Hulbury. Apparently there’s a train station there and he can visit you from Hammerlocke easily when you get there. “I’m sure Sonia will want to hang out with Nessa for a while, too.”

That’s when you realize that, while not arrogant, Leon was quite used to getting his way and being the center of attention. He didn’t demand it really, but it seemed like he had this magnetism that drew people to him and he based his understanding of everything bending towards him. Leon never once asked for Milo’s input about his gym or your opinion on what you wanted your travel plans to be. It’s like he had this vision and just needed everyone to play their parts.

The Pokemon quickly tired out after eating and grouped up in different piles ready to sleep for the night. Social groups are definitely starting to form, though you don’t really see anything wrong with that. You’re happy that Vanillite, who usually wants to return to her Pokeball come bedtime, has found a cuddle buddy in Trubbish. Watching them makes you yawn, and it’s only now you realize how tired the day has made you.

“I think it’s time for you to turn in.” Leon rises from his spot next to Sonia and begins collecting the dishes. “If you’re going to make it to the other side of the mines before sunset, we’ll need to get up early in the morning.”

After another yawn, a hand reaches down from above; it’s Milo, with a soft smile on his face, the jade of his eyes almost glowing reflecting the fire. Always the gentleman. But when you take is hand, you can’t help but feel all those funny feelings again. You’re sensitive to the tactile nature of his hand, one that is calloused and used to manual labor, is firm in grip only just as much as it needs to be. It’s difficult to not notice his bicep flexing as he pulls you upwards. Upwards towards him, almost enough for you to bump into his chest. Thankfully it’s dark out and he probably can’t tell you’re flushed being this close to him. You realize he’s slow to let go of your hand, and he looks like he’s working up to say something to you.

Another’s hand grasps your shoulder and gives it a little squeeze. Leon’s. “Sleep in my tent tonight, okay?”

You’re caught off-guard by the request, but in an effort to not reveal how embarrassed you were feeling, you just nod. The cool night air brushes over your hand as Milo releases his hold and creates some space between the two of you. Leon goes to wash the dishes (with Charizard, or else he wouldn’t find his way back), Sonia lets the Yampers hop into her tent, and you’re alone with Milo. His eyes are downcast, and eventually he rubs the back of his neck as he turns away from you.

“We should get to sleepin’, huh?” The uncertainty in his voice intrigues you. His shoulders then square and he turns back to you, looking determined. “I guess I’m the first challenge in your adventure. I… won’t let ya go that easily.” Before you can respond, he nods to his Pokemon and heads into his tent. Maybe Milo won’t be as easy of a gym leader after all.

After putting out the fire and whispering good night to all the Pokemon, you take your bag and head inside Leon’s tent. Wooloo sneaks in after you, followed by Pancham and Thwackey. Looking around on the inside, you’re not really sure what you were expecting, it’s just a tent with usual camping things. You decide to unfurl your sleeping bag and change your clothes while Leon is still away. The three Pokemon settle in the middle of the tent, and you crawl into your sleeping bag.

When Leon returns, you hear the clanging of pots and dishes. Outside the tent he wishes Charizard a goodnight before entering. He grins seeing all the Pokemon resting next to you. “Now that’s a picture.” His Rotom zips out but he flails to catch it before it does anything. “No! I’ll be in so much trouble if that hits Pokegram.”

You raise an eyebrow. “What do you make off all that? I imagine you don’t take it seriously if you’re letting me sleep your tent.”

He scratches the back of his head. “Huh? I just want to talk battle strategies…”

As he launches into the typical moves that Gossifleur and Eldegoss use and their counters, you realize that he earnestly just wanted to talk Pokemon. And boy, can Leon talk about Pokemon battles. You feel a little guilty hogging him as a resource, wouldn’t Gloria and Hop benefit more from his guidance?

Milo’s parting words echo in your mind. The thought of battling him makes you uncomfortable, and it was like he drew that line between you two. It definitely sounded like he wasn’t going to make his battle with you easy. Thinking of Milo as an opponent just didn’t sit well with you.

You began to drift to sleep somewhere around the part where Leon mentions something about… Gigantics? Maxismist? Something like that, that future you can deal with as you think about a certain peach-haired man as you slip into your dreams.

[wisteriawatching]

my journal came in the mail! I ordered a bullet journal ~kit~ off amazon, so it came with the journal, and some pens, stencils, washi tape, and stickers. I was reading online about how to start bullet journaling and i'm feeling a bit intimidated by the process of setting it up bc you have to have all these different logs, and collections, and index. well, i guess you don't HAVE TO do those things but thats the basic structure of what its supposed to be. any tips/ideas for a beginner?

I’m so excited for you!

Okay so my main advice about bullet journaling is that it is going to take some trial and error to figure out what works for you -- and you might as well get used to that because what works for you will most likely change over time! I’ve been bullet journaling for over five years, and literally right now I am redoing this week’s spread to try out a new format because I didn’t like the one I was using.  This is part of the process, and imo it’s reflective of the strengths of bullet journaling -- it’s taking advantage of the flexibility and customization.

From there, I’d suggest two main approaches for getting started. If you’re ready to embrace the trial and error process and don’t mind a little mess, you can just jump right in, knowing that you will refine your system as you go along. Or if you’re more concerned with neatness and organization from the start (as I think many people who are drawn to bullet journaling and planners in general feel, myself included), you can do a little “planning phase” before you actually start using your journal.

In the planning phase, you can take some time to look at examples of other people’s bullet journals, reflect on what you do (or do not!) want to include in yours, and try out some sample layouts on scratch paper before you put them in your notebook.

Some things you’ll want to consider as you plan (or as you start to use your journal if you chose to just dive in!):

Index and collections at the start of the journal: Collections like birthdays and future planning (I have a page or two for the upcoming year so that I can jot down any important dates that are still a ways off) are nice to put at the front of your planner for ease of reference

Monthly/weekly/daily planning: For many people, this is the bulk of their journal (for me it’s like 98% of my journal tbh), so I think it’s important to put some thought into what kind of setup might work well for you. For example, a lot of people who post their bullet journals online are students who need lots of space each day to list their assignments/tasks/etc. I simply do not have that much going on in my life, so I generally prefer to keep one to do list for the whole week and have a smaller daily space to note events/appointments. Many people will also make their weekends smaller, but since I don’t use my bullet journal for work stuff (I have a separate bullet journal for that which I keep at work so I don’t think about it at home), I want them the same size or larger than the weekdays. This is also the kind of stuff you will figure out as you go!

Other collections: I pretty much never put other stuff in my bujo but I know a lot of other people like to! You can find plenty of ideas around the internet. I’m probably biased, but my advice for starting out would be to take it easy -- you can always add more later. If you bite off more than you can chew, your journal will start to feel like a chore and you may stop using it. (If you do feel like this, it’s probably a sign that you need to change something! The journal is supposed to work for you and not the other way around.)

Overall, have fun with it! I know that bullet journaling can be intimidating, but try to remember that other people’s journals are theirs, and yours is yours. If creating super aesthetic pages is more stressful than enjoyable to you, then you don’t have to do it that way! But if it helps motivate you to keep up with your planner, then go for it! There’s no right or wrong way.

[rdr2dd]

Goals, Moving Forward, Etc.

Because I’ve gotten a few comments/questions asking about the other projects I’ve mentioned, and also for the purpose of giving myself some clear goals to work toward, I want to nail down the direction(s) that this project is probably headed. Excuse the gratuitous detail, but as is likely becoming clear from my posts, that’s how I work best :p

Project 1: Arthur’s Hidden Family

Goal 1: Finding Eliza -

Accomplished, largely, so hurrah for that. There was a lot of background work to get to this point, even beyond the details I gave in the most recent post about it, so I am beyond glad to have finally gotten it done. This step has already laid a lot of the groundwork for future steps. And also, I’m just happy to finally have a face for her.

Goal 2: Conjuring up Isaac - No progress thus far, but I’ve done some planning on how I want to handle this. No files exist for Isaac, at least not that I’ve been able to find thus far, so any models/textures for him would be entirely non-canon/custom work. There’s no element of bringing hidden assets to light here, like there was with Eliza; having a workable model for Isaac would be purely for my own heart’s sake, and for the sake of being able to do fanart renders involving him. This probably involves:

Using Jack (4 yrs old) as a base model, as I’m not talented or experienced enough to sculpt these models from scratch. Facial features would need to be altered to find a resemblance to both Arthur and Eliza.

Digging through the files to see if there are even other young children in the game to draw assets from - Arthur Londonderry’s son comes to mind, but I’m not sure if he’s the right age range, and I’m honestly drawing a blank beyond that. If anyone remembers seeing any kids in the game, please drop me a note as to where you saw them. 

Possibly resizing/altering adult NPC assets such as hairstyles in order to give Isaac a fitting and unique appearance. This sounds like a headache, but may be reasonable enough to do. We shall see.

Lots of custom texture work, largely for his face, which will be especially hard/dicey if there aren’t other children’s models to borrow textures from. 

Goal 3: Finding the Time - Less technical and more research-oriented, I need to nail down a timeline that I’m personally happy with with regards to when in Arthur’s life the events with Eliza and Isaac occurred. Once this is done, it’ll make it easier to decide what to do with Arthur in any renders I may want to do with the three of them. Which ties into...

Project 2: The Old Guard (Expanded)

This was the project I originally had in mind when I started scrounging around for these files. I have an unreasonably huge soft spot in my heart for the ‘curious couple and their unruly son’, but also, just the young gang in general. Hosea back when he’d steal anything not nailed down? Dutch, young and idealistic and years before his downfall? Arthur, young and broody but not yet hardened? Little John, still feral and a menace? Badass, gorgeous young Grimshaw? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes, please. Not to mention Bessie and Annabelle, who must have mattered so much to these characters, but who we hear and see so little about. I want to be able to do fanart renders with them, but that’s going to take a hell of a lot of work.

Goal 1: Nail Down the Timeline - I’ve started working on this, but there’s a lot I still need to do in terms of skimming audio files and digging deep in the lore. I want to get a general idea of when it seems folks joined the gang, that way I can get an idea of which models I even need to work with. Heavy focus on figuring out: 

When Tilly joined the gang, as I lean toward her being around quite early, but would like to review the audio. I know there are some numbers dropped in a few missions, with regards to when she joined the Foreman Brothers and when she left them to join the Van der Linde Gang, and I want to get this as accurate as possible. 

When Hosea went off with Bessie, and when she passed. We have some context clues, I just need to nail down the math and then feel out the dramatic timing for the rest.

What the deal was with Annabelle. Maybe I just have a passion for the ladies name-dropped once in the game, but good god do I love Annabelle despite knowing absolutely nothing about her. She should be a non-character, but this is a passion project, so there’s no way I’ll be ignoring her.

What to do about Sean. He couldn’t have joined until after 1889, but depending on what year I want to deal with for renders, I may need to account for him. That wouldn’t be a hardship, as he’s one of my faves.

Goal 2: Knock Out the “Easy” Models - By which I mean Hosea, Dutch, Arthur, and Susan. This will involve some custom sculpting work, but not a whole lot, as their base models for 1899 shouldn’t actually require that much alteration. I imagine I’ll be ironing out a bunch of wrinkles, smoothing out a bunch of normal maps, and then using the clone brush and a sampling of generic NPC face textures in order to create younger-looking face textures for this lot. “Easy” is definitely a relative term here, but I’m counting my blessings in that there are, at the very least, reference images for what this lot looked like in the early days. I still have no idea if I’ll be able to accomplish this, or how hard it will be if I can.

Goal 3: John - An intermediate difficulty step, for John alone. We have no reference images of young, 12/13 year old John, but we do have Jack’s 12 yr old model, and that will serve as a decent base to work from, hopefully. I’ll have to make sure to alter his features to be more in line with John’s, and will have to work heavily with his skin/face textures from there. Clothes will be another hurdle, especially as (referenced above), we see like, next to no children in the game for me to borrow NPC clothing parts from. I’ll need to work with what we get from Jack and otherwise resize and rework adult NPC clothing.

Goal 4: Bessie (and Others) - Stepping up the workload again, though in different ways. Bessie will be a task to work out, seeing as we have a single, not particularly great reference image of her facing straight ahead. It’s not much to work with, but it’s something to work toward matching. No two ways around it, she’ll be mostly custom work and mash-ups of generic NPC materials, but it’ll be a labor of love. Also sliding Tilly and (potentially) young Sean in here, as depending on their age there will be a lot of work to do on them, possibly including custom model work, and we don’t have references for what they looked like when they were younger. I’ll make do.

Goal 5: Annabelle - The holy grail in terms of custom work, or the ultimate slog uphill, we shall see. We have no reference images of her. No traces of her exist in the files. We hardly have any clue about how she died, let alone how she lived. And yet, I love her, or at least the potential of her. Hopefully all of my work on the ‘known’ quantities of this project will give me some hope of turning out a unique and fitting model for her, but who knows.

Project 3: Audio Directory

Goal ??? - On pause for the foreseeable future, mostly as I’ll need to do some networking before I’m totally comfortable putting this out there, and also because holy hell have I set up a bunch of other work for myself. The Dream(TM) was to find a way to set up a directory for folks to more easily find audio files on their own. There’s no way to host all of the assorted cool audio from RDR2 online, but it would theoretically be possible to set up a sort of file directory online, a list of file names and descriptions, to help folks browse their audio files on their own without having to reinvent (or in this case, rediscover) the wheel personally. I’m of the opinion that pulling apart the game files should be an all-hands-on-deck sort of situation, but there are a lot of folks who have already put in this work individually, and I don’t want to step on any toes. I also don’t want to be responsible for anyone mucking around with their game files and having trouble down the road, so I’d need to sort out a clear explanation of what precautions to take, etc. It’s a lot to consider, so I’m obviously open to input. 

Wrap-Up

If you’re still reading, congrats(?) and also, thank you. This is all a bunch of planning for some real pie-in-the-sky shit, but I felt that way about finding Eliza in the files about two months ago, so I have hope. If you’ve got thoughts on any step, please, hit me! I want to hear what folks want to see, though I can’t make any promises on what I’ll deliver. Got thoughts on the timeline or headcanons for the less-referenced characters? I’d love to hear. I would also love to hear from anyone with experience on projects like this; goodness knows I’m a self-taught novice. 

[let-the-dream-begin]

In My Daughter’s Eyes Chapter 2: Know No Fear

Chapter 1

Read on AO3

Before I get to the chapter here, I just wanted to say that I am so beyond touched by the response this story has received. It’s difficult to respond to various comments on Tumblr due to the nature of side-blogs, but just know that I read every single lovely thing you all had to say, and it touched my heart. This is personal to me, and to know that you are all touched by it means the world. So thank you, and onward we go!

By the time Claire found all the bedding and made the beds, she was practically faint with hunger. The fact that they’d left England at eleven in the morning and arrived here at two in the afternoon had made her forget that it had, in reality, been almost five hours since they’d been served food on the plane; and that had been no real meal. Claire had also managed to unpack some of Faith’s toys and arrange them lovingly on her bed before she decided to look up somewhere to get food. She’d heard quite a fuss over the pizza on Long Island; it was apparently the only place in the entire world that had “real” pizza. She would like to be the judge of that, eventually. There were so many different Italian places it was making her head swim. She decided to let Faith decide what they would eat since Claire couldn’t seem to make up her mind.

Claire knelt on the floor in front of the couch, which was haphazardly placed in the middle of the room at a very inconvenient diagonal. Bloody movers. Faith was humming in contentment, rocking back and forth.

“Faith?” Claire tapped her knee, but she did not look up from the tablet. “Faith.” Claire gently removed the headphones, causing her to groan in protest. “Faith! Listen to Mummy before you get upset.” Faith grabbed the headphones again, but Claire firmly kept her hands on her wrists. “Are you hungry, baby? Do you want food?”

Faith’s tune immediately changed, relenting her grip on the headphones and nodding enthusiastically, humming increasing in pitch and volume.

Claire smiled, chuckling. “I thought so. Here.” She held up the screenshots of menu samplings that she’d collected. “Do you want pizza? Or…” She swiped to the next image. “Spaghetti? Or Chinese food? Or a hamburger?”

Claire allowed Faith to take her phone into her little hands, watching in amusement as Faith scrolled between the four images, eventually handing the phone back to her mother.

“Spaghetti?”

Her humming heightened again, her hands and fingers twitching and twisting with excitement; stimming, the doctors called it. To Claire, it was just Faith being Faith.

“Ask and ye shall receive, little girl.”

Claire sat back on her heels and searched for the restaurant she’d gotten the spaghetti screenshot from. Christ, there were about forty restaurants called “Uncle Joe’s” in a four mile radius. She eventually settled on the closest one that was on DoorDash and ordered spaghetti and meatballs for Faith, her standard when it came to Italian food, and decided on penne alla vodka for herself. Gillian had insisted the Italian food here was better than in England, so she was quite excited to see for herself.

When the order was placed, she looked up at Faith, expecting her to be engrossed in the tablet again, but she was instead staring at her mother quite intently. She slapped a little hand over Claire’s screen and gave a little grunt.

Claire smiled knowingly. “Spaghetti won’t be here for another thirty minutes, darling. You have to be patient.”

She grunted in defiance, slapping the screen again.

“Hey. Be gentle.” Claire grabbed Faith’s wrist and looked her firmly in the eye. “Do not hit.” Claire unconsciously ran her tongue over the cut on her lip she’d been gifted with this morning.

Claire suddenly had a perfect idea to pass the time; that dance party she’d thought about a few hours ago. Claire smiled to herself and clicked onto Spotify, hitting shuffle on the Disney playlist. Faith’s stubborn demeanor immediately changed when the opening notes of “Under the Sea” began to play. Her face melted into that absent half-smile that Claire had grown accustomed to, and she began swaying back and forth on the couch.

Claire giggled and took Faith’s hands, pushing them back and forth, side-to-side in time with the music. Her grin widened, and she began humming with excitement again. It wasn’t long before the tablet and the headphones were forgotten on the couch, and the two of them were jumping and dancing around the living room, haphazardly avoiding the piles of boxes. Claire couldn’t explain it: Faith’s Disney obsession. She became a different kid when she watched a Disney movie, or listened to the music. Her entire countenance changed. If Claire could throw away every responsibility and every pound she owned to take up permanent residence in Disney World, just so that her daughter would always be this happy and carefree, she would do it in a heartbeat.

In the middle of Claire’s intense performance of “I’ll Make a Man Out of You,” Faith giggling madly and jumping up and down to encourage her mother, the doorbell rang. Claire almost jumped out of her skin and then she laughed, pausing the music.

“Spaghetti is here, lovie!”

Faith clapped her hands and hummed again as Claire shuffled around boxes to the door. She gratefully accepted the hot bag of food, mouth watering at the smell of it. She hadn’t realized how damned hungry she’d been. She inwardly panicked for a moment, realizing she hadn't at all bothered to unpack any silverware, but was relieved to find there was plastic cutlery in the bag. She made a mental note to put them in the sink when they were done instead of throwing them out in case they needed them before she found the motivation to unpack the kitchen boxes.

“Alright, Faithie! First meal in our new home! How’s that?” She, of course, didn’t answer, just kept on with her humming and hand twitching while Claire unpacked their meals. “This is so exciting, darling. Mummy is so happy to be here with you.” She kissed Faith’s forehead as she tucked a napkin into her shirt.

Claire had often caught Frank rolling her eyes at her when she spoke to Faith like this.

“She can’t bloody understand you. Why do you bother?”

Claire’s face turned beet-red with rage. “Just because she can’t talk doesn’t mean she can’t understand.”

To Frank, their daughter was dumb, as well as mute. He could not comprehend that she was a little person, despite her quirks.

No. Not our daughter. Not his.

So, Claire talked to her, despite knowing she’d never talk back, despite not knowing if she ever fully understood what she was saying. Claire knew well enough that the sound of her voice was soothing to her daughter, and that was enough of a reason to talk. And as far as she could tell, she understood quite a bit. Not as much as Claire wished, but enough.

The steaming tins of pasta were opened and Faith dug right in, moaning in pain and dropping her fork into the tin.

“Be careful! It’s hot, darling. You have to blow, remember?” Claire took a forkful of penne and blew on it lightly before putting it in her mouth. “See?”

Faith took a new forkful and heaved an enormous breath before blowing with all her strength, sending a veritable spray of tomato sauce all over the table. Perhaps Claire should have admonished her, told her to be more gentle, but she could not think over how loud she’d burst out laughing. Quite pleased with herself, Faith stuffed the entire forkful of spaghetti into her mouth, humming and bouncing as she did. If Claire was seeing correctly, it looked like she was smirking.

Doesn’t understand, indeed!

Christ…how could anyone not see how special she was?

Eventually, Claire had to inform her daughter that she was, in fact, blowing too hard, and so the rest of the meal proceeded in a slightly less messy manner. When Faith had apparently had enough, she unceremoniously ripped her napkin off and slid out of the chair, disappearing from the kitchen.

“Faith! Come back, please.”

She, of course, did not.

Claire sighed, setting down her fork despite not being quite full yet. She got up to see what she was up to, but paused upon hearing the music start up again. Faith quickly scampered back into the kitchen, Donny Osmond’s voice getting more clear with every step. Claire laughed again.

“Ah, missing the music were we?”

Faith began swaying back and forth again.

“Would you mind if I finished eating, then?” Claire sat back down, and Faith continued bobbing. “Why don’t you dance for me while I eat, hm?”

She didn’t need to tell her twice.

Faith had the choreography from the film memorized, of course, and it was the same for every song thereafter. Claire paused her eating to give hearty applause and many a “Brava!” after each song. If Claire listened closely enough, she could hear Faith’s buzzing hum morph into something that almost resembled the melody of the song that was playing, and it made her heart soar. She’d read online dozens of stories of children with autism that were completely nonverbal, but then all of a sudden they would sing entire songs word for word flawlessly. She prayed the same would hold true for her little princess someday.

Perhaps music therapy would get that out of her.

Jesus H. Christ, one thing at a time, Beauchamp.

After dinner was ended and the leftovers were sufficiently tucked away in the fridge (and the plastic cutlery was put in the sink), Claire followed Faith into the living room and was overwhelmed by the pile of boxes. She exhaled through puffed cheeks, anxiety crawling its way into the pit of her stomach.

“Faith,” Claire said, suddenly having an idea. “Would you like to sleep with Mummy tonight?”

She hummed, bounced and clapped.

“Lovely.” Claire smiled. “Let’s go look at your room first, hm? Because sleeping with Mummy will not be a permanent arrangement.”

She took Faith’s hand and led her into the room, where Faith promptly flung herself onto the bed and scooped all of the stuffed animals into her little arms. Claire broke into an enormous grin.

“I’ll bet you missed them very much,” she said. “And they missed you, too.”

Her very favorite, a very worn out Sorcerer Mickey, had, of course, remained with them and gone in her carry on. But the others--the Minnie’s, the other Mickey’s, the teddy bears, the plush baby dolls--had been packed away and shipped here a few weeks ago.

“This is your room now, lovie. You’ll sleep here tomorrow, and every night after that. But tonight is a special night. Yes?”

Claire outstretched her hand, gesturing for them to head across the hall into her own room, and Faith responded by scooping every stuffed animal into her arms and waddling out past Claire. Claire chuckled breathily through her nose and followed her into her own bedroom. She breathed a sigh of relief. Yes, this room, sparse as it was for now, was at least empty of all boxes. Faith plopped her little friends onto the bed and scrambled up.

“Ah-ah, PJ’s first, little girl.” Claire scooped her off the bed. “We’ll not be spending our first night in this bed in dirty airport clothes.” Claire dug through one of the suitcases for a fresh pair of pajamas for herself and Faith. If Claire really wanted them to be clean, she would have insisted on a shower for both of them (ever since Frank had left, Claire had always taken Faith into the shower with her; she didn’t want to leave her alone for that long). But she was far too exhausted, even if it was only six o’clock on the Eastern Seaboard. She was in no mood to fight with Faith to get clean after the day they’d had.

When they were both properly accoutered for bed, Claire scooped her up again and deposited her in bed. She retrieved the tablet from the couch, trying her best to narrow her vision to avoid seeing the Box Everest in her living room. She wondered when the hell she’d feel like tackling all that…

For now, she settled next to Faith in bed, laying on about four stuffed animals in the process, much to her daughters dismay given the loud moan Faith uttered.

“Well, I’m sorry! They’re quite the bed hogs, darling.” Claire pulled the toys out from underneath her and pushed them closer to Faith. “Now, what shall we watch tonight?”

Their collection of DVDs was far grander than the few movies that they had on digital download on the tablet, but the thought of finding them, then the DVD player, and then sitting in that room with the rest of the boxes made Claire nauseous. So their pickings would be slim tonight. Not that Faith minded in the least.

Claire half expected her to put Frozen on for the third time today, but she instead settled on The Little Mermaid. Claire smiled warmly.

“This was my favorite when I was your age, baby. I remember seeing it in theaters. Ariel was my Elsa back then.”

She allowed Faith to hold the tablet, of course, and she snuggled into her, gathering her tiny body into her arms as the movie’s opening chords began. Despite how rowdy their dinner had been, Claire had a feeling that she would not at all be fighting sleep tonight. They’d been awake a hell of a lot longer than it seemed they were, and the meltdowns of the day were enough to wear even Faith out.

Not shockingly, she was out like a light before they even got to “Part of Your World,” which disappointed Claire just a bit; she’d been looking forward to hearing Faith hum along.

Gently and oh-so-carefully, Claire pried the tablet from her sleeping hands and shut it off, setting it on the nightstand to her left. She adjusted Faith’s little body so she was properly lying down before getting up to turn the light off. Claire smoothed her unruly curls before bending down to press a kiss to her temple as she settled under the covers beside her. Again, she laid atop of several stuffed animals. Chuckling to herself, she picked them up and gingerly put them on the nightstand with the tablet.

As Claire’s head hit the pillow, she began running down the mental list of things she had to do tomorrow. Breakfast, then call an Uber to get to the dealership — shit, what the hell were they going to have for breakfast? Leftover pasta?

Scratch that. Call the Uber right away, get to a diner or somewhere else for breakfast. Faith will be quite excited to have chocolate chip pancakes. That thought made Claire smile. Then get a second Uber to take them from the diner to the dealership. Put that new Instacart to use and order some groceries so that they didn’t have to go to the diner every morning for the rest of their lives. Claire had shopped online for a car to lease when they arrived, and if everything went smoothly at the dealership, she’d be driving home in it tomorrow.

She also made a note to stop somewhere for a new SIM card and to cancel her international phone plan and start up a local plan. The thought of having an American phone number seemed strange, but also comforting. Not only did it seem to be the last step in finalizing her new permanent residence in the States, but it was also a comfort to know that Frank would never be able to contact her again.

Shit. 

She didn’t plug in her phone.

Groaning in annoyance, Claire peeled herself from her daughter’s side and out of bed to rifle through her purse for her charger. When did I get so damned scatterbrained…?

Well, that was a dumb question.

The world had come crashing down on her the day Frank told her he was through. Everything seemed to spiral out of control in that moment, and every single thing she had done since then had been an attempt to regain that control. It worked, for the most part, but she still felt like she was losing brain cells by the second since he’d dropped the bomb on her.

Faith was having a meltdown. It wasn’t necessarily one of her worst ones, but it wasn’t a walk in the park, either. Needless to say, things could have been better. Nothing in particular had set her off as far as Claire could tell, and Claire was beside herself trying to get it out of her.

“What’s wrong, baby? I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong…are you hurt? Hungry?” She felt her head for a fever, but came up negative. “Faith, darling, what’s wrong?”

“For fuck’s sake, Claire! She isn’t going to answer!” Frank slammed a hand on the kitchen table.

Faith shrieked and clamped her hands over her ears, her eyes wide with terror.

“Frank! Don’t do that!” Claire’s voice hitched. “Shh…it’s alright baby, Mummy is here…” She cupped Faith’s face in her hands as her daughter carried on, hands still firmly pressed into her ears.

“You know she can’t handle loud noises, Frank.” Claire tried to keep her voice level and quiet, not wanting to upset her further.

“She can’t handle anything Claire! That’s precisely the issue!”

“Do not raise your voice.” Claire was losing patience. “You’re making it worse.”

“Everything makes it worse! And what is it? What did it this time?”

“It is autism, Frank. You bloody well know that.”

“Christ, I know! I hear the word hundreds of times a day!”

“Oh, for God’s sake…” Claire’s face became hot with anger. “You have been nothing but difficult since her diagnosis, Frank. I feel like I’m doing this all alone! Why can’t you set aside your personal feelings for her? She’s your flesh and blood! How can you talk about her like this?”

Frank shook his head. “No flesh and blood of mine would turn out like that.”

Claire felt like she’d been kicked in the stomach. “What are you saying…?”

“I don’t…want this, Claire. I can’t do it anymore.”

“You can’t…You can’t do it? You haven’t done a bloody thing!” Her voice was near to shouting now, and Faith looked like her head was about to explode from the sheer force with which she was squeezing her ears.

“If you want to be burdened with someone like her for the rest of your life, be my guest. I’m through.”

“So that’s it then? You’re walking out on five years of marriage?” Claire stood up, leaving Faith in the kitchen and following him to the front door. “On your four-year-old daughter?”

He turned and gave her a grave, disgusting look as he opened the door. “That is not my daughter.”

Claire found her eyes welling up with tears again, as they had nearly every night since. And for perhaps the thousandth time she asked herself: How could she have been so wrong about somebody? How could she have married someone that would be so despicable towards his own child?

And for perhaps the millionth time, she silently vowed that she would do anything and everything for her daughter. God, she would walk through fire for her. She practically did. She vowed to be everything Faith needed, to fill the empty position of father, to devote every breath and every beat of her heart to raising her with love and patience. Every time she was harsh with her, and simultaneously every time she relented to her to avoid a meltdown, she felt like she was doing it all wrong. She could’ve been more patient, she could have reasoned with her instead of giving in…

But the truth was, every day was unpredictable, and no two situations were the same.

I’m doing the best I bloody can. And I always will, baby.

Luckily, her residence didn't start for another two weeks, so she and Faith could get settled, and Faith could get to know Mrs. Lickett before she had to watch her full time. The thought left knots in her stomach and a hard lump in her throat. Finding a sitter in Oxfordshire with the right qualifications had been a nightmare, and Claire had almost up and quit medical school because of it. Thank God she didn’t. Mrs. Lickett seemed more than qualified, however; it was just a matter of whether or not Faith would allow her to…well…exist in this apartment at all.

Claire absently rolled over to check the time on her phone, and she groaned audibly. 9:02. She’d been lying awake, mind racing, for nearly three hours. That was another thing she hadn’t managed to recover: a quiet enough mind to allow her to sleep. Sighing deeply, she gathered Faith’s sleeping little body into her arms, burying her face in her curls, breathing her in.

We’ve got another long day ahead of us, lovie. If you wouldn’t mind sharing some of that strength of yours, I’d quite appreciate it.

The truth is plain to see, Faith. You were sent to rescue me.

[jade4813]

Resolution

Fandom: Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist

Title: Resolution

Rating: G

Pairing: Zoey/Max

Synopsis: Sequel to Fallout and Repercussions (and episode 7 of the series). Zoey has finally figured out how she feels about Max, but when she tries to get up the never to tell him, Everything. Goes. Wrong. Will the two of them ever manage to get on the same page?

The clock on the wall read 6:22 a.m., and Zoey was already on her third cup of coffee for the day. She remembered with some regret the way she’d once expressed surprise at Joan’s suggestion that they share a drink in the middle of the afternoon. Her day hadn’t even officially started, and she was already wishing she had something to steel her nerves.

All the caffeine she’d consumed was making her jittery, the coffee roiling around in her otherwise empty stomach until she felt sick. She briefly considered grabbing some cereal or perhaps a piece of bread to settle her stomach, but the thought of consuming food just made her feel slightly ill.

She pressed her hand to her chest and sucked in a deep breath. She could do this! She had a plan! When Max showed up to work, she’d take him aside and tell him that she’d realized that she loved him and wanted to give their relationship a shot! How hard could it be? After all, she already knew how he felt about her, right?

Except…he’d been even weirder than usual with her over the last couple of days, ever since their last conversation, when he’d suggested she should go talk to her mom.

“Zoey? Uh…what the hell was that?” he’d asked.

“What was what?”

His eyes narrowed, he looked at her in confusion and concern. “You…you didn’t just…you didn’t hear that? Are you messing with me right now?”

Completely at a loss as to what he meant, she shook her head slowly, “Max, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Hear what? Did something happen?” she leaned to the side to look around him, scanning the office for something out of place.

He stepped back, running one hand across his face. “I’m losing it. Lack of sleep or…I-I thought you…I must have imagined it. It’s fine. Never mind.” She threw him a reassuring smile, but he hurried back to his desk and avoided her for the rest of the day. And for the two days since, although she occasionally caught him watching her closely, like he was trying to figure her out. Or as though she might bite.

“I don’t bite,” she reassured herself in an undertone. But what if his strange behavior was because he’d realized his feelings were all a mistake? What if he’d realized he wasn’t in love with her anymore – at least, not like that? She hadn’t heard any of his heartsongs since the night he coopted a scooter for her, after her dad fell. Was it possible he just wasn’t romantically interested in her anymore?

Zoey pushed away the thought with a grimace and a stern self-reproach. “Not. Helping.” Desperate for a distraction, she grabbed for her tablet and tried to focus on her work, instead. Her love life might be a disaster at present, but this was a language she understood. This came naturally to her, in a way that navigating her love life did not.

In her very first computer course in college, Zoey had been tasked with programming a robot to wind its way through a maze. She had managed to complete the assignment faster than any of her other classmates, going on to earn an A+ in the course at the end of the semester. When she took a step back and considered her current situation, it wasn’t that different. She just had to get herself and Max through the maze of confusion brought on by intense emotion and miscommunication. And then everything would work itself out.

Reassured by the thought, she shot a quick glance around to make sure she was still alone. Her day hadn’t technically started yet, so she took her tablet to an isolation pod and curled up inside to craft some code. By the time she started to hear her coworkers filter in, her simple program was up and running – a digital Zoey and Max, her programmable “robots,” were winding their way through a complex maze. She smiled when she programmed the code directing the two to lean in for a kiss (hearts showing above their heads and all) when they finally made their way to each other.

It was a silly little program, but it made her feel better. Maybe she was overthinking things. She’d tell Max she wanted to be with him, and the two would kiss. How hard could it be?

Lifting the sliding door to the pod, Zoey stepped out and stretched, working out some kinks that had settled in her shoulders. With one last reassuring glance at her ZoeyBot’s progress through the maze, she closed the program and pulled up her notepad.

Any project was possible, as long as one went in with a plan. Almost every task could be broken down into straightforward, manageable steps. Like programming code. Just take each step in turn, one after the other, until the task was finished. With that in mind, she jotted herself a quick note.

Get Max somewhere private.

Show him MaxBot?? (He’ll get it, right?)

Tell him you want to be with him.

Kiss.

Four steps. Possibly three, if she decided she was too embarrassed to show him her computer program. Three or four completely simple, totally manageable steps. Completely doable plan. Now all Max had to do was to show up, and she could put her plan into action.

Unable to sit still, she dropped her tablet onto her desk and headed towards the restroom. All that coffee was taking its toll, but she also hoped that pouring some cold water over her wrists could help her stay focused and calm. She lingered a few extra minutes to give herself a silent pep-talk and practice an eloquent speech about her feelings before steeling her shoulders and heading back outside.

She returned to the office just in time to see Max grab his tablet from his desk and head towards the wicker seats – the pattern of avoidance he’d established over the last couple of days. Hoping to catch him before he got too wrapped up in code and she lost her nerve, she darted to her desk and grabbed for her tablet.

“Max!” she barked abruptly, a shade louder than necessary. He jumped, startled, and spun around to look at her. Softening her tone, she offered him a sheepish smile as she asked, “Do you have a second? There’s something I wanted to show you.” Her program was perhaps a little silly, but maybe he’d find it endearing? She could only hope.

Before he could come up with an excuse to turn her down, she jogged up to him and pulled him aside. “Okay, promise you won’t laugh. I know this is a little silly, but I wanted to show you – uh –”

Her voice trailed off as she held up what she thought would be her tablet and realized that, in her anxiety and rush to catch him, she’d accidentally grabbed her stapler instead. She actually had a stapler? Why? She couldn’t even remember the last time she needed to staple something!

Max seemed equally as confused. “Your…stapler?” he offered. “It’s…nice.”

Completely mortified, her courage fled. “Ah…yes. My stapler. I was…um…wondering. If you had any staples. I think I’m out.” That was unlikely. It was probably holding the same staples that had come with it when it was shipped from the factory, for all she knew. These things came preloaded, right? She had no idea.

“Ah,” he replied, drawing out the word for several seconds. “I don’t think so. Have you tried the supply closet? There might be some in there.”

Zoey forced a laugh. “The supply closet! Right! Makes total sense! Duh,” she waved the stapler wildly, almost clocking herself in the head. “Thanks a lot, Max…i...million.” She heard the ill-advised nickname as though it was coming from outside of herself, from someone else’s mouth, and looked at him in horror.

His smile was uncertain. “No problem. That’s not really a nickname we’re planning to run with, is it?”

“Nope! No, we’re not!” she promised. Trying to cover for her gaff, she aimed a playful shrug at his shoulder to break the tension, somehow completely missing and punching the tablet out of his hands, instead. “That’s…oh, sorry! I’ll…I’ll replace that if it’s broken.” Maybe discretion really was the better part of valor, she decided, not even wanting to see the look on his face as she backed away as quickly as she possibly could before she accidentally broke something else.

It turned out programming code was much easier than telling her best friend she had realized he might be the love of her life.

Later that evening, once she was safely back at home and unlikely to humiliate herself any further, Zoey scowled to herself and she pulled up her ZoeyBot/MaxBot computer program. It didn’t take her long to add a giant, menacing stapler that chased ZoeyBot down the first section of the maze.

Then, heaving a heavy sigh, she pulled up her To Do list. It hadn’t served her very well so far, but she still had confidence in the basic premise. Make a plan. Stick to the plan. Don’t break anything. Check. With that in mind, she reviewed her list.

Okay, so maybe she was too nervous around him to make a smooth job of it. Was there any way she could take the actual confession part out of her hands? She mulled over the question as she stared off into the distance. Finally, it hit her. Balloons! Everyone liked balloons, right?

Grinning at the brilliance of her new plan, she pulled up a web browser and search for a balloon delivery service in the area. Once she found what she wanted, she placed the order for the next day. In the morning, a courier would bring her balloons, reading “I Love U Max.” The last was a specialty balloon – they’d write in his name, and the sample online looked decent enough. Before pressing the button to finalize the order, she gave it one last critical look. Love? No, she should go with the heart instead. Less awkward, she decided, hitting “submit.” The plan was in place! He’d see the balloons and…that would be it! Not risk of ambiguity or bodily injury!

Well, maybe not it, exactly. If they were going to be in a relationship, she was going to have to talk to Joan. She would hardly be able to hide it, since she was planning on confessing in the middle of the office. Once the cat was out of the bag, she wouldn’t be able to continue to be his supervisor. It wouldn’t be right. But she was confident they could find a solution. Feeling much better than she had an hour or so before, Zoey made a few revisions to her list:

Get Max somewhere private.

Show him Maxbot?? (He’ll get it, right?)

Don’t break anything.

Balloons arrive

Tell him you want to be with him.

Kiss.

She didn’t know the exact time the balloons would arrive; more like a narrow window. So she might have to take things a little by ear. But with a plan this solid, surely nothing could go wrong, right?

Right.

The next day, Zoey realized she’d been humming happily to herself off and on all morning, but she couldn’t help it. She was in such a good mood! This plan of hers was going to come off perfectly. When she walked up to the elevator bay and saw Max waiting for the doors to open, she threw him her brightest smile. “Good morning!”

He looked a little taken aback. “Morning, Zoey. You seem to be in a good mood today.”

She nodded. “Yup! I think it’s going to be a fantastic day. It’s just a feeling.”

“Well, then, I hope you’re right,” he replied pleasantly.

She considered taking the moment of privacy to go ahead and confess her feelings, but then others joined them on the elevator and the window of opportunity was lost. No matter. She had balloons! The balloons would not fail her!

“I don’t understand,” she told the balloon courier with an askance look at the two balloons he held out for her to take. “Where are the rest of them?”

Not appearing to be terribly concerned, he shrugged and offered in insufficient explanation and complete lack of apology, “We were out. My boss said we can complete the order next week.”

“Next week! That doesn’t help! I had a whole plan and now all I have to show for it is ‘U Max’. What am I supposed to do with ‘U Max’?”

He shrugged again. Clearly, it wasn’t his problem. She took the balloons from him with numb fingers and briefly considered letting them loose in the stairway to hide evidence of her failed plan when she heard Max speak behind her. “’U Max’? What’s this about?”

Come up with an excuse! Fast! She ordered her poor, beleaguered brain as she spun around. “Maaaaax-i-mus!” Again? Seriously? What the hell was wrong with her? “I got you these!”

“I can see that,” he replied, staring up at the balloons in question. “I’m just trying to figure out what they mean. U Max? Max U? Is this a secret code?”

Her laugh was forced, high-pitched, and veering on hysterical. “No! Of course not! It’s just a new…management plan I’m trying. I’ll be randomly bringing balloons in to people on the team. To let you know that, uh, well, you know. We…see you. And we…appreciate…you know, you. That is, you. Max. I read it in a book somewhere, I think.”

“Really? That’s a little weird. What book?” She would have thought he was on to her, but he sounded more curious than suspicious.

“Oh…I don’t even remember now. Would you just take your balloons?”

He reached for them. “Sure thing. Well, thank you for reaffirmation of my name, anyway,” he teased.

Her answering chuckle was almost genuine. “We spend so much time in this building some days, I thought there was a chance you might have forgotten.”

“Is that the reason for the new nicknames? Because, for the record, I don’t think I like Maximus any better than Maximillion.”

“No, but duly noted,” she replied with a forced smile, hoping her cheeks weren’t as red as they felt as she returned to her desk. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Joan look over at her, Max, and the balloons and shake her head in bafflement before returning to her own work. Zoey was almost pathetically grateful her boss didn’t call her in to demand an explanation. She wasn’t entirely sure she could explain what was going on with her right now, even to herself.

When she saw him walk away and thought he might not see her, she rested her forehead on her desk with a groan, tempted to bang it repeatedly against the hard surface if she wasn’t sure that would bring her too much attention.

Why did her efforts to sweep Max off his feel keep going so haywire? What was she doing wrong?

“Mo, this is getting out of hand. You have to help me!” she cried, pacing back and forth in her neighbor’s living room. Saying it was “getting out of hand” was probably generous. Things were getting downright dire. Her plan was on Day 4, and it had just been one disaster after another.

“I’m not sure there’s any help for you,” Mo offered, shaking her head. “Have you tried just talking to him?”

“Yes! I tried today!”

Mo sat back on the couch. “And?”

“Aaaaand…I decided I would casually drop it in over coffee. But I didn’t realize my ZoeyBot program was up on my screen, and he saw it and asked what it was. One thing led to another, I freaked out and tried to cover it up, and I accidentally…kinda…tripped and…threw an entire cup of coffee at him.”

He blinked. “Wow. I knew you were a mess, but I think you may be even more of a mess than I realized.”

Zoey moaned and sank to the couch beside him. “Really? It’s not even remotely a surprise to me.” Closing her eyes, she leaned back and mulled over her predicament. Then she bolted upright. “I know! What if I do a some kind of flash mob for him?”

“No.”

“What? Hear me out! I get a bunch of people together…”

“No.”

“…and we do some kind of song…”

Mo put a hand on her arm. “Let me stop you right there. So far this week, you’ve brought him a stapler. You got him exactly half of your love confession in balloons, but not even the half that would actually convey what you wanted him to know. And you tried to give him third degree burns. You really think you can get through a whole choreographed dance number without breaking something? Like yourself? Or him?”

Zoey had to reluctantly concede the point, but she wasn’t quite ready to let this idea go. Remembering how she’d imagined him singing outside her window, she suggested, “So what if it’s just me? I could bring a boombox with me and sing outside his window. I saw it in a movie I watched with him once.”

Mo threw her a skeptical look. “Do you even have a boombox?”

She shrugged. “No. Do you?” His answering stare spoke volumes. “Okay, no background music. Just me.”

“Uh huh. And what would you sing?”

“I don’t know; I’m sure I could come up with something. Like, ‘Oh, my lo-‘”

“Nope.”

“Okay. What about, ‘It’s a little bit fu-‘”

“Absolutely not. You should not sing for him. Trust me.”

“But I –” she began.

“No.”

She broke off with a groan. “Okay, what do you suggest?”

Mo sighed. “The same thing I’ve been suggesting all along. No props. No gimmicks. Just walk up to him and find a way to casually drop into conversation that you want to have lots of sex and babies.”

“Are you actually dropping a Love Actually quote on me right now?” Zoey asked in disbelief.

“I’m trying to speak your language,” he replied flippantly, breaking into a grin.

She rolled her eyes as she rose to her feet and headed for the door. “All right. Fine. I’ll just…tell him how I feel. There’s no chance that can end in disaster!”

The table was set. Dinner was in the oven. Zoey was wearing her best dress. She paused long enough to make sure she had matches to light the candles in the candelabra she’d borrowed from her parents’ house earlier in the day, then checked to make sure his jacket was hanging by the door.

She’d gotten Max’s jacket from her mom when she stopped by to visit earlier that day. He’d apparently left it at her parents’ house by accident a few evenings prior, when he’d stopped by to bring her dad some soup from his favorite restaurant across town. It was as good a pretext as any to get him to Zoey’s place, where she would serve him a romantic dinner and confess. Everything.

Wanting to make sure everything was ready, she grabbed her tablet to review her plan one last time. Her (many-times) revised list read:

Get Max somewhere private.

Show him Maxbot?? (He’ll get it, right?)

Don’t break or burn anything. or anyone!!!!!!

Balloons arrive

Bring him coffee

Dinner at home??? “Ham is easy but shows effort”

Make it romantic (candles, yes! Flowers, no. Don’t take your chances)

Music! (Mo says no singing Sing if necessary)

Touch nothing hot until it’s over

No liquids either

Pretext of having his coat?

When he shows up, tell him you want to be with love him.

Kiss.

She took a quick glance around to make sure everything was set up according to her list. Perfect. Things seemed to be going according to plan, for once.

With a satisfied smile, she grabbed her phone. Of course, she probably should have made sure he was free before going through the trouble of cooking an entire ham. But it was too late for such regrets. She tapped her phone with her hand as she paced back and forth, practicing what she was going to say.

“Hey, Max! It’s me! Zoey. It’s Zoey. Do I even need to say that? He has caller ID. Okay, just go with hey, Max! Oh, but he knows who he is. Maybe just hey! Now I sound like a chipmunk. Heeey? No, that sounds creepy. Hi! Howdy! Ugh. Hey…”

As she paced back and forth, she lost track of what was going on around her and so didn’t notice the smoke billowing out of her oven until the fire detector went off, beeping shrilly in her ear. “No! No, no, no, no no…” she muttered desperately as she raced to the oven and pulled it open. On second thought, she should have kept it closed as a ball of fire followed another billow of smoke. “What the-”

She was catapulted out of the way when Mo came in from out of nowhere, shoving her aside to spray an entire fire extinguisher’s worth of suppressant into her oven. As he worked, she jabbed the fire detector with a broom until it fell silence. Then she returned to the stove to throw her meal a morose look. If her ham hadn’t been ruined already, it was now.

“What. Did. You. Do?” Mo demanded in aggrieved affrontery, pulling out her obliterated meal once he’d assured himself that the fire had been extinguished. Wiping off some of the chemicals coating the top, he poked around at the charred meal and exclaimed, “You left the plastic on?”

“What? No, of course not! I removed the plastic!” Zoey peered around Mo’s shoulder to look at the ham, poking it with one dubious finger. “There was a second layer of plastic on the back half of it?” There was, now both firmly baked into the outer skin of the ham and crispy from where it had gone aflame.

Mo sighed and looked around, taking in the scene. Zoey in her dress and heels, way beyond “stay-at-home casual.” The dining table, set for two. The romantic music playing softly over her radio.

“I-I-I-” Zoey stammered, trying to come up with some sort of self-defense, but Mo wasn’t hearing it.

“What did I tell you about props and gimmicks? Would you please go tell Max how you feel about him before you burn down this entire building?”

“I just thought…a romantic meal…”

Grabbing her gently but firmly by the shoulders, he steered her towards the door. “Go. Tell. Him. How. You. Feel.”

“But my meal!” she protested weakly.

He shook his head. “It’s already had a Viking funeral. There’s nothing more we can do for it now. Go take care of this while I dispose of the body. Go.”

Dejected that her plans had once again followed through, Zoey dug in her heels. “Wait! I need my jacket. That black one. And – and my purse.”

She gestured and Mo leaned over to grab both items, passing them over with a dubious look. “That’s yours?” he asked when she slipped the jacket on. It smelled like Max, and Zoey breathed in deeply, pretending it was his arms wrapped around her.

It was huge on her, but she nodded. “Yup! Okay, well…I should go, I guess.”

“Uh huh. Just try not to do anything weird between here and there. I don’t want to get any calls that you’ve been sent to the hospital. Or jail.”

“You won’t. Scout’s honor. You have nothing to worry about!”

Mo shot a pointed look over his shoulder at her demolished kitchen. “Uh huh.”

Zoey rocked back and forth on her toes as she stared at the door in front of her. Too scared to knock, she pulled her phone out of her purse and texted him instead. Hey, are you home? My mom said you left a coat at her place. I’m in the neighborhood, so I can drop it by if you’re there.

She could actually hear his phone chirp through the door. A few seconds later, she got the response. You don’t need to do that! I can swing by and pick it up later if you don’t want to go out of your way. Or you can bring it to work. Thanks for the offer!

He ended his text with a smiley emoji, and she spent much longer than necessary trying to decipher what that meant. Was he genuinely just worried about her taking a special trip? Or was this part of his efforts to avoid her?

She considered making a run for it, but she suspected Mo wouldn’t let her back into her apartment unless he was certain she’d told Max the truth and would theoretically no longer be a danger to herself or others. Before she could lose whatever shred of nerve she still retained, she shrugged out of his coat (admittedly reluctantly), lifted her hand, and rapped briskly on his door.

He opened it a few seconds later, his face a mask of surprise. “Zoey? Wow, that was…really fast.”

What she meant to say was, “Hey! Like I said, I was in the neighborhood.” What she actually said sounded like, “Hey, Ma-nipples.”

He was shirtless again. Didn’t he know what that did to her self-composure? To her ability to string a coherent thought together? Granted, it wasn’t exactly fair of her to blame him. He’d had no real reason to know she was lurking outside his door when she’d sent him that text. But still.

He looked adorably awkward as he lifted one hand to run his fingers through his wet hair, trying to get it in some semblance of order. She’d apparently caught him coming out of the shower. So he was standing in front of her both half-naked and damp? Good. Lord.

Oblivious to her sudden struggle for air, he explained, “Yeah, sorry. I just got back from the gym. I didn’t realize you were coming by.” He hesitated for a moment and then asked, “Do you want to come in?” As she stepped through the door, he looked over his shoulder like he wasn’t sure if he should go grab a shirt. Or like he wasn’t alone.

She stumbled to a halt, her heart seizing in her chest. “Oh, god. You’re not busy, are you? I mean, if you have someone here -”

He cocked his head to the side, throwing her a confused smile. “No, of course not!” Glancing down, he leaned in, his hand reaching towards her. “Oh, I should –”

His face was moving closer to hers, and Zoey’s brain backfired. This was it! The moment she’d been waiting for! Her little MaxBot and ZoeyBots had traversed the maze, avoiding homicidal staplers, menacing balloons, and boiling vats of coffee (and, after tonight, actual bursts of fire that she might as well program in when she got home), and it was finally time to do the thing she’d fantasized about all week! Success!

Completely forgetting that she was holding his coat – and that she hadn’t actually gotten around to confessing her feelings yet – she lurched forward, convinced he was about to initiate a kiss. A kiss she fully intended to reciprocate. The most perfect first kiss one could ever possibly imagine, she was sure.

Instead, in her haste and panic, she missed the mark. Instead of a romantic first kiss, she accidentally semi-headbutted him, her lips landing somewhere in vicinity of the air below his chin. He jerked back in surprise, causing her to lose her balance and stumble forward, stomping on his toe.

“Zoey! What was that?” he yelped, hand cupped over his nose, as he hopped on one foot. Is it broken? Am I bleeding?” She was too horrified at herself to respond, so he pulled his hand away to check for blood before throwing her a bewildered look. “Did you come over here to headbutt me for not being able to hang out lately? Because I really have been busy.”

“What?” she protested. “Of course not!”

He must have seen the misery on her face, because his grimace melted into a soft, reassuring smile. Clearly struggling to hold back a wince, he asked gently, “Okay, then, do you want to tell me what this is all about? Trust me. You have my undivided attention.”

She clutched her hands in front of her, trying to stop them from trembling, and tried to find the words to explain. She found she couldn’t look him in the eye and form a coherent thought. His lips also seemed a little too daunting. His chest was…nope. Still bare. She wasn’t even going to attempt it. Fixing her attention to a spot roughly around his Adam’s apple – that seemed more or less safe enough – she tried to remember part of the elegant speech she’d prepared earlier in the week to tell him how she felt. The only thing that came to mind was “You Max” and she’d already discovered first-hand how insufficient that was to get the job done.

Taking a deep breath, she plunged forward. “I’m…not very good with people. I think we both know that. The only thing I’m really good at is programming! And so I just thought…if I could get the Zoey-Bot and the Max-Bot through the maze…”

Even she could tell she wasn’t making any sense. His Adam’s apple moved as he asked, “The…Max-Bot? I-I don’t…You want me to build some-”

“No. That’s not what I’m trying to say.” Staring at his neck wasn’t helping, so she squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to pull herself together. “I’m trying to say that I took your advice and I talked to my mom.”

Silence fell between them for a few seconds before he replied gently, “Oh. Well, that’s good! Isn’t it? What did she say?”

She opened her eyes, meeting his unflinchingly. “She said…after she met my dad, she could spend the rest of her life running from the way she felt about him, trying to protect her heart. Or she could take a chance that she might lose him one day, and cherish every moment they were lucky to have each other along the way. The good days and the bad, as long as they were together. She said that you can never know the future, but the happiness she found when she chose to take a chance on my dad, when she chose love, outweighed all the pain. Even the pain of losing him.” She had said that, no matter how much it would hurt to lose Zoey’s father, she would never, ever regret loving him.

Max didn’t move. Didn’t speak. As far as she could tell, barely breathed. So she took a tiny step towards him and confessed, “And Max…I promised I would be honest with you, so I will. I’m still scared. And I don’t want to ever lose you. I don’t know how I could bear it. But I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you…a long time ago. Even though I was too scared to admit it to myself. And, who knows? Maybe I never would have if it weren’t for my superpower. Maybe? What I do know is that being with you…it makes me happy. So I’m – I’m choosing love over fear. I’m choosing you. I mean, to be with you.” Her courage depleted, she finished lamely, “I, I mean…if that’s…if that’s still what you want?”

He reached out, trailing fingertips down her arm until she released the death grip she hand on her hands and took his in hers. Her skin felt cold and, she was afraid, probably clammy. But she could swear he was trembling, too, and it wasn’t just her. “What I want? Of course it is! Zoey, I’m not trying to push you into anything. We don’t have to go fast with this! I know you’re scared about what might happen. I’m scared, too. I don’t want to lose you, either! It’s why I didn’t tell you how I felt for so long. But I also know that when I think about the future – my future – I want you to be in it. And that’s worth taking a chance on. I don’t mind taking this slow, as long as we’re doing it together.”

Her breath escaped her with a whoosh, as she felt the tension drain from her shoulders. “Really?”

“Really,” he responded reassuringly, giving her hand a quick squeeze. “As long as you promise Manipples also isn’t going to be my new nickname.” That elicited a laugh, so he suggested, “I have an idea. Why don’t I…put on a shirt,” his mouth curved into that boyish grin that she loved so much as he gestured vaguely at his chest, “and then we can watch a movie together.”

“I’d like that,” she replied, rocking up onto her toes as she returned his smile.

“But first, if you don’t mind…could we try that kiss again?” At his surprised look, she smiled sheepishly and explained, “I’d like to be able to say that I managed it without nearly sending you to the hospital. I made a promise to Mo, after all.” Plus, it was pretty mortifying that he hadn’t even been aware that’s what she’d been attempting when she nearly knocked him out.

“Yeah, of course,” Max breathed, tugging gently on her hand to pull her forward. Stepping into his embrace was like coming home, she realized, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him down towards her. With one hand resting between her shoulder blades and the other at the small of her back, he pulled her tight against him. Zoey closed her eyes as she savored the feeling of his lips as they brushed softly against hers once, then twice. She parted her lips and heard him groan deep in his throat as he deepened the kiss.

She thought she could stand there in Max’s entranceway, kissing him forever, but he finally gave her one last, tender kiss and pulled away, pressing his forehead against hers. “I love you, Zoey,” he whispered.

“I love you, Max,” she breathed in return.

[amphtaminedreams]

I Shopped at YesStyle So You Don’t Have To: Lookbook no.10

Hi to anyone reading,

And welcome to what I guess is my first “review” post of sorts! Which is basically an excuse for me to rave about Korean street style and ask why the fuck Seoul fashion week isn’t more of a big deal!? Though I’ve pretty much quit fast fashion over the last few months and have been getting my clothes from Depop, I did want to talk about the website YesStyle which I ordered from back in May (jfc, the fact that May was almost 4 months ago now is terrifying) and how impressed I was with their service and the clothes I received. It should go without saying from the fact that investing in someone with about 200 followers on here wouldn’t be a very good financial decision, but this isn’t a sponsored post-I just think that if you’re gonna order from anywhere, YesStyle is a good shout for those of you who, like myself, are inspired by East Asian street style. I have to give credit to the incredible Katie O, otherwise known as StealTheSpotlight on Youtube and Instagram; she’s the medium through which I’ve been introduced to the world of “k-fashion” and YesStyle in the first place. Yes, my current knowledge of k-pop doesn’t extend far past fan tendencies to flood every popular tweet with fancams of their favourite singers and girl groups (I admire the dedication), but through Katie’s content and Instagram accounts like TokyoFashion on Instagram,  I have come to the conclusion that the stylists behind these groups and Asian designers in general are owed a huge amount of credit by Western trend forecasters. If you have any Instagram account or blog recommendations with similar content please let me know! For now, I’m gonna give a run down of the pieces I ordered (most of which are still available), prices and sizing, and also a bit focussing on ethical concerns and what I could find out about their practices from my research.

DISCLAIMER: The photos used as backgrounds are mine. Yes, I’m in mourning over the fact that this time last year I was inter-railing, in case the ham-fisted insertion of touristy pics didn’t make that obvious. Remember when we could leave the country? When it didn’t feel like the world was ending? When everything didn’t seem to be going to absolute shit all at once? When there was a glimmer of hope that we wouldn’t spend the next 4 years being governed by the Conservatives here in Britain? Simpler times :-)

The Pieces

1. The Alizio V-Neck Camisole Top in White: £4.97, Size M

So, what you’re gonna get from the off here is that YesStyle’s prices seem ridiculously cheap, which is something I’ll address in the ethics section at the end of the post. For £4.97, you’d expect an ill-fitting SheIn/Zaful style number but I was so impressed by how flattering this top actually is. I was a size 8 and 32C for reference and my only complaint is that because the neckline has a slight plunge, it was a little awkward to wear with a t-shirt bra. You know, unless you’re into that cups poking out of the top kinda vibe that was a rite of passage for all British teenage girls going through puberty back in, like, 2009 when you wanted everyone to know you’d been on your first bra shopping trip to M&Co with your mum at the weekend. 

2. The Rhames High-Waist Plaid Mini Skirt in Purple: £9.12, Size M

Clueless being as iconic as it is, a plaid mini skirt is always going to be timeless and I know this is a piece I’m gonna be basing outfits around for a long time. It fit perfectly and is surprisingly good quality material; I was kind of expecting it to come in that super thin, semi-see through jersey that you get when you order from a lot of UK fast fashion sites, but a recurring feature of the clothes I picked out was that they were such good quality for the price and exactly as they appear online. I’ve found in the past that UK sites are deceptively canny with lighting and angles in that when the garment actually arrives (Boohoo in particular is a repeat offender in this regard) it’s a lot frumpier than it looks on the model. It seems to be common practice to pin back and temporarily alter the clothes during photoshoots to give the illusion that they’re a lot more fitted and structured than they actually are which ultimately just leads to disappointment when you try on the supposedly bodycon dress and resemble a sack of potatoes. Been there, done that. I worship the ground all carbs walk on but I don’t want to look like them. Should go without saying really. It’s nothing to do with size, but it’s just crappy tailoring and cutting corners on the brand’s part and that’s what irks me. I really appreciate that YesStyle has photos of “regular” people just wearing the clothes out rather than the outcomes of these overly edited, studio lit shoots that aren’t necessarily the most representative of how the garment is gonna look irl.

3. Nikiki Garter Belt: £5.59, One Size

As comfortable as garters come, I guess? I don’t have much experience with them tbh, lol. 2021 to do list, if we make it out of 2020 alive: try more garters.

4. Lucuna Floral Embroidered Cropped Cardigan in Almond: £15.61, One Size

Don’t get me wrong, this cardigan is adorable and there’s nothing misleading about the photo on the website. What I will say is that considering it only comes in one size, it’s pretty tight on the arms. I’m a size 6 right now and it’s really not like I’m ripped or anything (lol) so it’s safe to say that in terms of the Lucuna brand, their sizes come up very small. The cardigan wasn’t the only one size thing I purchased and whilst the others did fit, I think in general the fact that said “one size” is pretty much only suitable for UK sizes 4-8 is pretty shit. A few of the pieces had elasticated waistbands but in general in 2020, when we’ve come so far in the last few years with body positivity and being more inclusive of all sizes, to have a sample size that runs so small isn’t acceptable and this sizing issue is my biggest problem with the store. Though I recognise that YesStyle acts as an outlet for smaller East Asian brands (in this case Lucuna) and thus aren’t themselves responsible for the designs, more consideration should probably go into the harm that could potentially be done by stocking these supposedly “one size fits all” garments. Brandy Melville, I’m looking at you too. Your designs are cute but your lack of inclusivity is shitty.

5. Ohnana Ruffle Trim Strappy Cami Cropped Top in Purple: £5.01, Size M

I’m not as jazzed as I was about this top now it seems that everyone and their mother’s dog is selling it at an extortionate price on Depop but I will say that it’s also very flattering. Makes my strangely long torso look somewhat proportionate, which is nice. The material is pretty thin but it is for all intents and purposes a tank top and the price is reflective of that.

6. Sisyphi Plaid Shirt in Tangerine: £11.30, One Size

So the “one size” option strikes again, though this time with less vengeance-I would say this would be wearable up to size 12/14 so slightly better than with the cardigan.

7.  BBChic High-Waist Wide-Leg Jeans: £10.04, Size M

When it comes to these jeans, I only have good things to say. Like firstly, they make me feel like early 2000s Avril Lavigne AKA. my childhood icon/potential clone/queen of millennium grunge and an incarnation of Y2K fashion I can actually get behind. Secondly, they have an elasticated waistband, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Thirdly, they didn’t come up ridiculously long on me which I feared would be the case; I did wear the platform Filas with them but as you can see, it’s not like they’d be trailing over my feet even in flats. I’m somewhere between 5′3 and 5′4 for reference and usually go for petite in jeans  and trousers just to be on the safe side.

8.  HERMITAKH Ring Detail Halter Crop Top in Black: £5.15, Size M

I have only recently become a member of the itty bitty titty committee but even back when I shot this lookbook this halter actually fit! When it came to tops that necessitate going braless, I always had issues with finding pieces I didn’t feel were going to cause an unintentional free the nipple moment, but the fact that you can tie this top up at the neck and back yourself allows you to work out a fit that’s supportive for you. 

9. Puffie Lightning Print Straight-Cut Pants: £13.76, Size M

I’d wanted a pair of trousers like these for ages before I saw them on YesStyle but the ones I’d come across in the past were a bit extra for my hometown and typically cost more than they seemed to be worth. This pair lack the bulk that the original styles I came across had, which helps give them a more casual, laid back feel, though they are just as vibrant and substantial BUT there isn’t much give in them. They have the slightly baggy look I was going for however they aren’t elasticated on the waist so I recommend having a look at the guide that’s available next to the drop down box where you select the size you want.

 10. Alfie Mesh Long-Sleeve Top in Pink: £7.71, One Size

No, the Jennifer’s Body top isn’t from YesStyle, I’m sorry to disappoint. Go to RedBubble for that one! The considerably less exciting mesh top underneath however, is, and in spite of its relative mundanity (you can’t top Megan Fox as a man-eating demon) it does the job as a versatile staple piece. It’s one size but it does have a lot of stretch in it so would probably go up to about size 14 (not to say that’s great).

11. Barrash Harness Bag: £17.10, One Size

The harness vest is one of my favourite trends to come out of k-fashion and I wanted SO badly to pull this piece off (especially because it was one of the most expensive pieces I purchased from the site) but it was far too big for me even when I adjusted it and TBH...I don’t even know if it’s just the sizing? I kinda felt like a paranoid tourist with their bag on back to front and yeah...I don’t think that’s the desired effect. Here’s an example of how cool they CAN look from Seoul fashion week, and with that another example of why NYFW should lose its place in the “big 4″ to make room for SFW:

And just Blackpink just setting the standard for the utility wear trend in general:

12. Mikiko Short-Sleeved Blouse in White: £8.79, One Size

I appreciate that the website notes that the “one size” here runs small, however it does also say that a “base layer” is needed for under the shirt which I didn’t find was necessary at all. The fabric is quite thick and it genuinely looks like the kind of shirt you’d find tucked away in a vintage shop, cute af and will go with anything.

13. Closette Sleeveless V-Neck Vest in Black: £11.87, One Size

Again, I was really impressed with the quality of this jumper; it definitely looks like something you’d pick up in a uniform shop (though this one is probably cheaper because those shops are daylight fucking ROBBERY) but I can never get enough of that grungy school girl look. Blame St.Trinians. 

14. Niji Smile Pleated Plaid Skirt with Insert Shorts in Green: £9.12, Size M

This skirt might be my absolute favourite of the items I ordered on the sole basis that it comes with shorts built in underneath, like, WHY DON’T ALL MINI SKIRTS HAVE THIS!? Plus the shape and the bounce it has to it makes me feel ultra-feminine and effortlessly cute which I love. It didn’t even turn up crumpled! Which you’ve really got to admire considering half the clothes in my local H&M look like they’ve never got within 10 metres of an iron in their short lifespan. 

15. LINSI Elbow-Sleeve Print T-Shirt: £10.92, One Size

If I had to pick one more favourite piece, it would be this graphic top that I wore underneath a pink chiffon Ebay dress. It looks and fits exactly like the photos on the website and I have to restrain myself wasting a wear of it just lounging around the house because it’s also ridiculously comfy.

16. LINSI Plaid Straight-Cut Pants in Orange: Size M

These trousers are currently out of stock, however I will say that of everything I’ve ordered they’re probably the least comfy and on that basis I’m not sure if I’d buy them again. They look great and I will push myself to wear them for that reason but they’re the kind of itchy fabric that I rush to take off and swap for some pyjamas the moment I get into the house. That being said, I don’t know if this is an issue everyone will have because I am someone that is overly sensitive to fabrics so you might not even notice it, plus-stretchy waistband! Which is a plus for sure.

I was also very impressed by the accessories I ordered, which once again completely surpassed my quality expectations. Pretty much everything pictured here was under £5 apart from the shoulder bag which was closer to 10, and when you consider that the price of these is inflated at the moment because of the resurgence of the Y2K trend, this is still ridiculously cheap.

The prices are definitely a concern of mine because unfortunately, when products are this cheap there’s usually somebody being exploited down the line. Since I made this order in May, I’ve had a small slip up with a Motel Rocks order, but other than that have cut out fast fashion completely. I want to be as ethical a consumer as I can, and that’s something I considered before making this post; that being said, YesStyle, actually a Hong-Kong based company in spite of it being touted as the destination for k-fashion, was recognised as a "Caring Company" between 2014 and 2019 (I don’t think this has been updated for 2020 yet given the circumstances) by the Hong Kong Council of Social Service. From what I can find online, this award is given to Hong Kong companies that demonstrate good corporate citizenship and responsibility. Whilst this seems like reassuring information, like I said, I find it hard to believe that the production of clothes selling for these kinds of prices isn’t outsourced to low wage workers at some stage of the process. It’s a hard to know where to stand, because obviously the fast fashion industry DOES create jobs that people rely on to sustain themselves but at what point does the treatment of workers in developing countries negate the opportunities the industry provides here in the UK? “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism” and all that but shouldn’t we try to make a change where we can? I agree with the statement though at times it can come across like a deflection of individual responsibility. Plus there’s the environmental side of the debate-having to fly the garments over from the point of manufacture obviously takes a massive amount of fuel which it goes without saying is hugely detrimental to our planet. The sizing is also an issue; the average clothes size here in the UK is a 12, I believe, and yet a size medium seems to come up as about an 8. Asian sizes do tend to come up smaller in general but at the same time, if that’s the case, as an international retailer shouldn’t YesStyle at least address that somewhere on the site?

I don’t want to end on a negative note because compared to sites like Zaful, SheIn, and even UK based retailers such as Pretty Little Thing and Boohoo, YesStyle appears to be one of the better ones. The quality of their garments is incredible for the prices and I admire the transparency of having reviews for every product be so readily accessible. It’s also great to see that they have a section specifically addressing their response to the COVID-19 pandemic, AND  offer refunds to their customers for import fees. God, I don’t know why this isn’t something that more websites do? I will never forget being slapped with a £100+ invoice for a Dolls Kill (bleurgh) order I made once back in the more impulsive shopping days and all the Karen-y emails I sent back and forth. Import fees are understandable but international retailers should definitely make it clearer how these are calculated and give more of an indication of just how steep these fees might be if you’re making a large order. It almost seems disingenuous not to do so especially when said retailers most likely know that customers wouldn’t make these orders if they had an idea of what it would cost just to get access to the goods they’ve already paid for.

I won’t ramble on for much longer because there is so much important shit going on in the world right now and I don’t want to take up time that could be spent reading more valuable posts-with the shooting of Jacob Blake earlier this week, and the death of Chadwick Boseman earlier today (I can’t imagine the amount of mental and physical strength it takes to film all the movies he did back to back whilst dealing with colon cancer), the most important thing to do is listen to how black individuals are feeling and what they are thinking right now. I will keep an eye on my dashboard and retweet what I can. Thanks for reading. Even if you’re just here for the photos, I appreciate it! And I don’t know if I’ve said it before but please know that my messages are always open to anyone struggling, especially with everything that’s going on at the moment. I don’t claim to be a professional but I can always listen. Lots of love<3

Lauren x

[sarahilsley4]

YA books to read if you like topics related to identity, social justice, and equality

SoI have always had an interest in contemporary books where characters overcome hardship and work through social issues, feminism, mental illness, LGBTQ+ individuals, identity, etc... Here is a sample selection of some must read books in my opinion! (in no particular order)

1. Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia

I connected with this book in many ways. It tells the story of a teenage girl named Eliza, who expresses herself through her famous online personality (one in which no one in her real life knows about), she draws famous comics online to be specific. She then meets a boy, Wallace, who draws fan art for his favourite online comic. Both individuals are quiet and distant from others, but Eliza struggles with much more than that. This is a lighthearted yet heavy at the same time introduction to mental illness. It is a wonderful book to begin reading within the topic and a definite recommendation, Ive read it three times.

2. Simon vs. the Homo sapiens Agenda by  Becky Albertalli

A staple LGBTQ+ novel that many have probably already heard about. The novel tells the story of Simon, who is a closeted gay and falls in love with an anonymous individual on his schools gossip webpage, who had just submitted a coming out post through an anonymous name. but... someone finds out and blackmails Simon. The novel is an amazing light hearted story that many have fallen in love with, and everyone should make an effort to read it at least once, you may also recall the movie Love, Simon. Well your at it, Becky Albertalli’s writes many other LGBTQ+ books that are definitely worth the read.

3. Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy

Dumplin’ explores self love towards body image, along with stereotypes about body image. Willowdean is the daughter of a famous beauty pageant winner, who feels resentful because her mother seems to care more about the “skinny” pageant queen contestants then her own daughter. She decides that she should sign up and rallies together some other friends who do not fit the definition of a “beauty pageant girl”, ie. another plus size girl with a fun personality, and a classmate who does not act “girly” like she is expected to for a pageant. This story is full of finding yourself, overcoming gender and body stereotypes and standing up for your own rights. And yes, there is a movie for this one too.

4.Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz 

This story is highly recommended by many YA readers, it is an LGBTQ+ story which takes place in 1987, which gives a different angle of LGBTQ+ topics than many of the other books listed. The story follows the development of friendship, family and identity. It also includes many themes and the views of society during the time, discovering sexuality, family disapproval of a sexuality, transgender people, and teenagers questioning their sexuality all play a prominent role. the story encompasses many important social issues and is almost positively going to make the reader cry, maybe even more than once. It is a story in which I would recommend to anyone.

5. Darius the Great is Not Okay by Adib Khorram

This novel discussed many themes related to mental illness, culture, family and self identity. It also has an LGBTQ+ aspect similar to that of Aristotle and Dante in fact many say this book reminds them of Benjamin Alire Sáenz’s novel. The book follows Darius, who is of Persian culture but lives in America, and struggles with his cultural identity. After learning the condition of his grandfather, who is fatally ill, his family makes a trip to Iran to visit them. Through this journey Darius meets Sohrab, who helps him understand his culture, and overcome is antisocial tendencies. Throughout the novel Darius also struggles with clinical depression and a disapproving father. This novel is a great read that I would give a strong recommendation of any day. 

6.The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

I don’t think I need to say much of this one, most readers and humans in general have probably heard about it. There is also a movie, although it is less commonly known. The story discusses racism through a 16 year old girl named starr, whose childhood friend is brutally shot by a police man. the story discusses social justice, which is very similar to current activism against the police and in order to fight for the right of individuals of all races. 

7.I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver

This story discusses gender, LGBTQ+ inequality, with a touch of mental illness. Ben is non-binary, living with two very old fashioned parents. On christmas they decide to tell their parents who kick them out. Their sister who left 10 years prior comes to the rescue, accepting ben and helping them find theirself in the world. Ben then meets Nathan, who supports them through school and family problems. At the same time, Ben is competing with an anxiety disorder. Overall, a quick heartfelt read (read it all in one sitting) that encompasses many important topics.

8.The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith

I am currently reading this novel but already know it should appear on this list. The story is by far the most trauma related I have read in terms of inequality, so word of warning before you decide to pick it up. The story follows Eden, a teenage girl who is sexually assaulted by her college age brother’s lifelong best friend. So far the story exhibits the feelings associated, the terror induced by the event, and the struggle of overcoming such a horrible circumstance. Although it is a heavy read, so far I see it as a staple for understanding inequalities and terror associated with assault, specifically assault on women.

So there are some of my must read books. This is by no means the end of the list but they are in my eyes the ones with the highest level of social justice related themes. I would highly recommend them to everyone, not just those who have an interest in understanding these topics. These novels provoke emotion and a level of understanding that can only be told through stories and examples. they also all include a wide range of topics that many can relate to. Everyone needs to read these novels, or similar novels since I understand there is a stigmatism around young adult and teen fiction. So, Share these books with your friends and family, read them for yourself, share this post on your socials and tell the world how important these topics are.

Although word of warning, remember that some of these topics are heavy, it is understandable to stop reading. I have had this case many times, finding the anxiety and depression described in the stories caused me some second hand stress in my own struggles, so look after yourself, and read at your own risk.